#which to be honest.. valid..because sharing my art is scary

[frondere]

Remembering how i gave up drawing because i started writing fanfics.

[thefaiao]

Do you remember what hooked you on the LISA series? It's a decently impactful set of games so I'm curious as to why you've created so many drawings from it

A great question. I don't think I can answer this with absolute precision, but I'll try. I'll begin explaining how exactly I first got into drawing LISA, and we'll work from there to the reason I believe I am still compelled to draw more of it.

I first played and finished LISA at the end of 2016. I was decently active at that point, but hadn't garnered much attention to my drawings. I had made a Hotline Miami post that had gotten decently popular, and a few Yogscast(1)(2)(3) drawings that also did decently well, but overall nothing super noteworthy. Most Yog fans at the time weren't into what I liked mainly, which was Shadow of Israphel.

I was immature at the time, so had a hard time connecting with people in fandoms. Not to mention, I was a Brasilian in a sea of Americans and Europeans. You'd be surprised how hard it was to relate with people in that setting, but I tried here and there.

I felt pretty strongly about the HM post though, since it felt like a great personal achievement. I felt a drawing I had a clear vision for had achieved what I set out to do with it. Seeing how much people liked it, it was pretty magical when you've never had a post "do well".

Anyway, people were hopping out of tumblr and onto twitter, and I did as well. Twitter, despite everything, sort of puts you way closer to other people. Your reply to someone important is very visible and hard to ignore. It was a type of equalizer. There I had gotten to get my drawings actually seen and shared by Austin, the guy who made the LISA games.

Having had my drawings shared and recognized that way had a strong impact on me, and I even got to talk with an artist I really looked up to at the time, Maren, who had also gotten into LISA. She had done art for SBFP and TF2, so it felt surreal to me to be acknowledged by someone like that. Up to that point I really felt like more of a passive observer to everything.

In 2014 I finished high-school, and 2015 I spent the whole year learning how to draw better. I tried so hard that I ended up dissociating, a very scary emotion, that I didn't even know was a thing at the time. It felt like all that time and effort was starting to pay off, and that there was a way forward here.

First I posted sketches, and the passion I had for the game and motivation from the recognition led me to put a lot more effort than usual into my drawings. I ended up making these, which got really popular, it was very validating.

So because of all that I kept drawing. I'll be honest, a lot of the time I just wanted to get even more of the attention of these weird new cool popular friends that were paying attention to me for some reason. I was very lonely at the time. I think I stayed lonely for a long time after too.

But eventually people move on, as is normal with fandoms. I didn't really feel my passion for drawing and LISA die out though. I had started a massive LISA art project at the time, that took me 5 long years, and also was more focused in college, where I did Game Design.

Drawing wise, eventually I branched out to other RPGmaker games, but LISA was very easy to draw. It was sort of a home-base for me. Something I could come back to when I was uncertain.

I think Urasawa put it quite well, with Billy Bat:

Drawing the same characters over and over is extremely rewarding, and a great way to reflect on your progress so far. I suppose it's meditative, but that's not quite the right word. It's very fun and constructive, and people can also keep track of your progress through that. I did the same with OFF characters, a game I had drawn way before all this.

Of course, I had a lot of issues because of how things developed. I related a lot of my self-worth with the validation I received from people online, and I still do, to an extent...

When I started taking the game I'm making, Meanderer, more seriously, and started living alone, posting anything felt awful. I didn't have the energy for bombastic posts, or the time spent developing the way I draw the characters like I did for LISA, that is, with ease and style. It felt very humiliating, but I understand it was a warped view of things.

It was a long and depressing time in my life, but it taught me a few important lessons, and made me sort of re-evaluate how I engage with "online" overall. But I still liked drawing LISA throughout all of this, I almost felt ashamed of it to a certain point.

All of this isn't to say I didn't love the game itself. It wasn't all just context. I really, really love LISA. It drove me to sobbing tears, which I don't think another game has gotten out of me. It's a fantastic game, that really showed what fresh things you could do with the medium. When I played it I'm not sure I fully understood how much I loved games.

I just grew up with the characters of LISA. Maybe not in my adolescence, but definitely in my adulthood, and with my art. These characters help me orient myself, understand my limits. And it's damn fun to get better at drawing them. Even just a character on an empty blank canvas, with only black and white lines. It's the most fun in the whole world.

To finish it off, I have a general philosophy of not republishing drawings. So whenever I want to do a LISA post I have to draw a LISA post. Just keep drawing and drawing. Don't get hung up on one drawing or idolize one thing you did. Keep making things. It doesn't have to make sense. Just keep drawing.

(There was a power outage while writing this and I had to retype this whole damn post by the way. Appreciate it!)

[fanartfunart]

@sapony01​ commented on one of my Sides Swap posts: Can you explain their function and personality a bit better/explore them? Some are kinda obvious but some kinda confuse me

And, but of course! I’m totally open to it! (I’m mostly making another post for it because otherwise it’ll get absurdly long)

To summarize, the main idea is that they keep their personality and secondary traits they represent (Like Ego, Emotionality, ect), while further representing the Main Trait (like Anxiety, Creativity, ect)

The rest under the cut:

Anxiety

Roman: His key representation of Anxiety would befall closer to overemphasizing bravery and ignoring problems, and of course, insecurities. Thus a focus on Dangers you can Fight, and avoiding things you can’t. A emphasis on the Knight theme as a representation of bravery. He’d use ego and theatricality as a cover- a ‘be weird before people can accuse you of being weird because then it’s on purpose’ type logic.

Patton: The type of Anxiety where you emotionally over extending yourself because you’re scared of social-emotional repercussions. Caring so much that there’s no time and energy to care for yourself. Also a good representation of the Dad-Friend override for Anxiety.

Logan: A representation of over-analyzing the world like an outsider, that emotional distance that, while you’re curious of all the things around you, you can’t help but focus on the bad. Avoidance becomes a key factor and everything is categorized as bad or good off of exaggerated ‘proof’.

Janus: Very self protective to the point that things outside the Comfort Zone are almost always negative and overwhelming. Sarcasm, brittleness, and lying as a way to avoid things outside the Comfort Zone.

Remus: Overthinking creating an Anxious reaction. Basically seeing things in the shadows and over-analyzing interactions. Essentially worries cropping up out of the idea of various terrible things you can think of possibly coming at you from the smallest of hints to it. Also Knight theme because why not.

Creativity 

Logan: A more organized and analytic approach to creative works. Prone to being a literary critic. Draws from media to explain a point. As creativity would likely be the type of writer that hides details and metaphors in everything, focus on foreshadowing and the such.

Janus: Never lets anything be direct, people should be able to make their own conclusions about the meaning of the text. Probably thinks method acting is fun. The kind of actor/writer that easily shrugs on different types of characterizations that it makes other people dizzy seeing him switch between them.

Virgil: Your inner Emo Art Phase personified (everyone has at least one somewhere in there). Would prefer to be either a lesser known creator, or not let Thomas use his real name (thus Ghostwriter), because being Known is Awkward and his work can get too real, being known as a real person could detract from the art. Focus on art as an outlet for expressing negative feelings and stress relief.

Patton: Take your craft-happy relative who always hand-makes gifts and you’ve got Creativity Patton. Just wants to have fun and share the fun. Draws from positive emotional experiences for creativity because he wants to give everyone who sees said art a hug through said art. (Yes, his design is vaugely based off of Disney’s Pinocchio Geppetto aka Pinocchio’s dad.)

Remus: Take Remus as he is, and then take the ‘intrusiveness’ out of him. He basically has all the same horrifying ideas, but he doesn’t use them to make Thomas upset or anything, he’s just making stories.

Logic

Patton: Sorta a relaxed logic, understands not everything can be solved with a clean logical solution and that emotions hold a important space in people’s actions. Is that little logical voice when you’re super mad going ‘you’re mad because this, this, and this, and this is probably an overreaction to what you’re expressing your anger to, but it’s still valid.’ Prone to emotional fallacies though.

Virgil: You know any super cool teacher/professor who teaches you what the book says and then closes the book and says ‘ok now guess what, they’re also wrong, and I’m probably wrong too’?? Virgil as logic. (also why I kinda gave him the ‘tired + university hoodie’ style) Emphasizes learning from various sources and never trusting any of them 100%. Doesn’t trust his own information either, and it makes him stressed.... but like, he’s always stressed anyway so it’s chill. 

Roman: Bounces from topic to topic to learn. Very curious and easily inspired- also easily distracted. The definition of what a liberal arts education should be doing- aka, connecting seemingly unrelated topics. An Encyclopedia of very specific information. But, once he’s got a set of information it’s hard to let go of it, which makes it hard to adjust to being told he’s wrong.

Janus: Emphasis on how information is always being adjusted, and people’s biases are always present in studies and interpretation. Focuses on debunking things. Also kinda makes it hard to 100% be sure of any information presented.

Remus: Enjoys abusing the ‘technicalities’ in things. A little hard to follow in terms of train of thought. Disturbing Facts are still facts.

Morality

Virgil: Emphasis on sympathy and ‘do what you’d hope people would do for you’ moral arguments. Focus on social structure for the ground rules for moral behavior. That guy who’s constantly nice because he wished someone was nice to him, ya know? Hates the idea of being a bad person so much that it causes a lot of guilt and mistrust of the self.

Logan: Thinks of moral behavior as an equation of sorts. People do good things and that causes good things and that allows the social structure to work as it should, so do good things. Draws on philosophy and other social sciences to argue his points. Easy to readjust his thinking with proper reasoning.

Roman: Just wants people to be happy! And to be good! Emphasis on the reactions of others and how that effects your social/emotional well-being. Do good because it feels good kinda guy (he wants to be somebody’s Hero, ya know how it be).

Janus: Understands that morality is such a grey place that most anything can be seen as bad if you argue it enough. Places value on the self as someone deserving of feeling good as well, and bases moral values on what you as an individual wants to do. Also still kinda morally grey in general and probably shouldn’t always be listened to.

Remus: I Follow no Rules but My Own. Full rejection of social pressures. What precisely that means for his resulting moral standing is up to debate.

Deceit

Logan: Woorsst lair because he’ll twist truth and facts into it and it’s hard to pick out what’s the lie. Very blunt about his role as deception and its benefits and drawbacks. Very good about remembering which lies were told when and to who. Not the kind to lie more than seen necessary.

Roman: Focus on lying as acting and getting to where you need to go in life. ‘Fake it til you make it’ is his motto and it also includes mental states. Makes it hard to be honest about feelings. Very much a ‘lying to yourself’ aspect.

Virgil: Lying to avoid perceived negative repercussions. Lying still bothers him- as lying can also cause negative reactions. Focus on lying in reaction to events, less so on lying to the self. Not every lie is especially necessary though, knee-jerk reactions and fear make it very easy to lie. Lies of omission being the most utilized.

Remus: The opposite to Roman’s ‘lying to yourself’. Lying to others just to see their reactions. Uses being ‘blatantly honest’ about taboo subjects to seem honest about other things.

Patton: Lying to spare people’s feelings and being perceived well. Focus on lying or omitting the truth to seem like everything’s awesome.

Intrusive Thots

Patton: Makes emotional reactions overwhelmingly hard to gauge and control, results in terrifying thoughts and feelings with little control or filter. Gets stuck on ideas because of how hard he’s trying to push it away (yea know, like the white bear experiment).

Virgil: Thinks in problem solving, but the problems are of course, the thoughts of his own creation. Incessant about ‘solving’ the perceived problem.... not much else changes.

Logan: The Mad Scientist aesthetic is fun, what can I say? Takes facts and focuses on the scary parts, and then brings them back up on the slightest hint of relevance, and sometimes just Because. Some of it is curiosity taken into a frightening territory and gets overwhelming.

Janus: Emphasis on what happens if terrible things happened. Also likes using the ‘you’re gonna go to hell anyway just dive in with me’ argument. Occasionally pops up in a way that sounds almost nice, then turns horrifying very quickly.

Roman: Take Roman, make his ideas more Remus. He’s already Loud and Proud, just make him scarier, and a little more incessant and probably a little more arrogant for good measure.

[independentartistbuzz]

7 FROM THE WOMEN: RED FLOWER LAKE

Red Flower Lake is lush, heady electro-pop. Aloe vera for our dried-out hearts. Sweeping melodies and understated yet complex soundscapes. These songs are open doors to a relationship: two people who know each other about as well as two humans can, singing to the other, about each other, offering a brave and heartfelt depiction of the territories they have survived and navigated together. It’s all here: intimacy and distance, heartbreak and ecstasy. Vulnerability, insecurity and courage.

1. What have you been working to promote lately?

It feels like I have been working on promoting a lot lately (internally and externally). Things like honesty, clear communication, empathy, patience, naming emotions, opening my heart, peace in my family, etc, etc.

But that’s not quite what we are talking about. ;)

I have been working alongside my husband to promote our EP Three Truths as well as an exhibit of our multi-media work at the Torosiete museum of contemporary art - a virtual museum unlike any other. Our exhibit just opened at the end of October and will be open for all of time - as long as there is internet.

Our EP Three Truths consists of three songs, Heart is Breaking, Baby Don’t Go, and Brave. The first two were written when we had super young kids (about 8 years ago).

When we were first considering releasing some songs this past May, we weren’t sure which songs to begin with. We were pretty tired of Heart is Breaking and Baby Don’t Go but also felt like they were worth something, belonged together, and like they might be the beginning of a story. We figured we would see what mixing one of them would do and take it from there. We sent out Baby Don’t Go and after trying a couple different mixers, we landed on Mike Pepe through a family friend named Kelly Musgrave at Linear Management. He did his thing and we actually got inspired enough to completely redo the vocals which was pretty satisfying. I had started voice lessons several months earlier and felt like I had more to offer the song. Once the energy was back in Baby Don’t Go it was pretty exciting to see what some mixing would do to Heart is Breaking. Deciding to release those particular songs really felt like the end of a pretty challenging time. It has been nice to have them out in the world where people might be able to relate to them giving voice to an experience that is painful but also real. I don’t know how many emotions we get away with leaving unturned but I appreciate a song that can help me reflect on a feeling.

Heart is Breaking was the kind of song that was so of a moment, it didn’t feel worth it to try and enunciate the words better or change what I was unsatisfied with after hearing it mixed. I am curious whether that choice will actually impact my satisfaction long term but, so far, I have found it both surprising and amusing that putting something out into the world that is a little bit vocally unfinished doesn’t bother me at all.

As for Abel’s vocals though, they are straight from the heart. They are also his original vocals. I remember when I first heard them I felt a lot less significant as part of our musical duo. He just put it all out there and it sounds so good. Heart is Breaking speaks to the experience of wanting love even though it seems to always end in heart break. An experience that, as a young parent, felt very prevalent.

Brave to me is all in the title. My setup is such that if I want to play around on the keyboard with a feeling I’m having, I still need to pull up ProTools and title the session - even though I don’t know what I am going to play which is the case a lot. Often when I am sitting down to play music, it is to explore something in my mind and on my heart and in this case I wanted to be brave about that exploration so I titled the song Brave. Brave is about sticking around and being present to see what is true even if it is scary.

All of the songs I write are deeply personal. In the past, it has sometimes surprised me that Abel would even touch the material, considering how blatant it is but I’ve learned that I’m not the only one in the relationship that sometimes feels paradoxical and complex feelings.

Having made music together for such a long time now without releasing any of it, we are both really excited to share more of the story and more of our music. It feels like an epic tale that is still revealing itself in real time. Three Truths feels like the beginning of a bigger message - this first message being “Damn this is hard but relationship is sort of like that sometimes”.

2. Please tell us about your favorite song written, recorded or produced by another woman and why it’s meaningful to you.

Sade’s Smooth Operator. There are a lot of songs and a lot of reasons why to pick them but this one pulls me right back to a time in my life when not a lot of things were easy but at that moment, the house was warm, the whole family seemed happy and there was an abundance of food. I was maybe 5, my family was living with my great aunt and her daughters who were at least ten years older than us. We were all still getting used to living together and my family was still getting used to living in Va after moving from New Mexico. When Smooth Operator came into my awareness, it was the day after Thanksgiving and there was a bounty of leftover mashed potatoes, peas and onions in cream sauce, and stuffing that needed to be eaten. While we formed those leftovers into little balls and baked them, we were introduced to that song. I think we may have listened to the whole album a couple times through but we named our food creation after Smooth Operator and it is one of the special happy memories I have from an amazing but also pretty heavy childhood. Throughout my childhood from then on, Sade was a voice I leaned into. I remember one night my twin sister and I lay down in the dark of her empty room in middle school and listened in consecutive order through Diamond Life, Promise, Stronger Than Pride, and Love Deluxe on our tape player to the light of a big moon. One of my all time favorite nights.

Smooth Operator felt like a warning. Like watch out girls, they’re everywhere. The first song of their first album. Her voice was always my reference. I wanted my voice to sound like hers. I wanted to make songs like hers - with a point, with heart, and with a voice you want to listen to. Smooth Operator is our family anthem, made so by a moment we all recall fondly - an odd anthem perhaps but my family is as odd and as amazing as they get.

3. What does it mean to you to be a woman making music / in the music business today and do you feel a responsibility to other women to create messages and themes in your music?

Having an opportunity to use my voice as a woman at this time feels very special and important and I hope that I am doing my part in honoring the power of the feminine, and the important work of keeping it real in all my relationships at all levels.

I work to be authentic and express as clearly from my heart as I can. Making music - making art,  is a way for me to connect with my emotions, my inner wisdom, a way to express those feelings, ultimately it is a way to communicate something that means something to me. I recognize that this is a potentially self indulgent process and I pray that my purpose of honoring the human experience and reminding us of our power is conveying.

It is important for me to be super honest because there are so many feelings I have felt ashamed of and wouldn’t even admit to in the past that I am now realizing are actually just part of a human experience. Honoring and expressing my truth thus far has been a thousand times more empowering than the results have been of hiding from my truth as a result of believing I should be ashamed of my feelings and for believing in my worth - what I know is true in my heart. Denial of my truth has wreaked havoc in my life and it isn’t worth another moment of time to feed or encourage such disempowering paradigms.

I recognize that we all have a lot to heal from and a lot of healing work to do individually and collectively. I think a large part of that healing work is around being brave enough to honor our feelings, identifying their source, and getting empowered to speak/know/honor our truth - a truth that is both unique and valid.

Perhaps if we are able to honor ourselves in this way, we will be able to hear each others’ truths with compassion, recognizing ourselves in each other's struggles.

A big step for me in my healing journey has been accepting and being willing to hear and honor my own truth. No more wars - internal or external. When I am not fighting myself, I am one less person who is fighting themselves and that is extremely motivating. I think all of my fighting ultimately comes from internal conflicts so I might as well start with that and find some way to work that stuff out. I have been working on not making other people the bad guy but, if I see ‘bad guy’ out there in the world, to note that I see a reflection of parts of myself I still am in a healing process with.  

I am not sure what the depths of our world’s healing will entail but I know my responsibility is to my own healing and it is empowering to own that responsibility. I pray we all honor ourselves like the magnificent and unique creations we are and honor ourselves like we are somebody’s child who adores us. Even if we can argue that our parents did not or do not love us, there is still and always will be immense love for each of us in the vast universe and from our mama earth. We are worthy of our best life. In fact. I think it is the only sustainable future.

My responsibility is to honor and stay true to my truth.

4. What is the most personal thing you have shared in your music or in your artist brand as it relates to being female?

All of the songs I write are extremely personal and expose my deep internal struggles. But I am okay with being a voice and a sound. Being an image has not been easy. Learning to embrace my face, my body, my movement, my inner style, etc, feels much more exposing and personally challenging. The entire world of what is sexy, what is beautiful, what is inspiring, what is useful, etc. has been out of reach for me since forever. I find that the more I turn toward my spiritual truth, my spiritual purpose, toward awe and gratitude for the children in my life, the more permission I have and the more energy I have for exposing my physical person on a true and personal level. What feels beautiful, what feels empowering, what feels good and right?

I have in the past, been absolutely disempowered around beauty and sex that I feel like only now am I getting access to any answers internally about what is beautiful, empowering and what feels good for me. I am a mother and it is important to me that the children in my life have examples of real women and men in their lives who are empowered and strong and honest- not because of our physical form but because of our clarity in purpose and our open hearts.

I know the sexiest thing a person can do in my heart/ mind is their inner work, get straight with themselves about what they are doing here and live and breathe their purpose.

On the level of the eye, I think playing with what my spiritual guides have to say to me at any given moment feels the most appropriate and fun. I’d rather be in a conversation with them about physical expression than with old paradigms of sex appeal and survival on this physical plain.

5. What female artists have inspired you and influenced you?

Oh my goodness, So many. I really believe that the unapologetic art of all women throughout time has molded me as part of the collective creative conscience. Art begets art.

I come from a family of bohemian artists and I would be remiss in not honoring them particularly and their absolute influence in my life. Their authentic expressions have absolutely shaped and inspired me and I am so grateful to each of my family members for their conscious participation in living their best lives.

My highschool teacher and friend Zap McConnel reinforced and added to what my family already inspires in me. She was my first real mentor and example outside of my family in living a life of integrity and breaking the molds of our boxed beliefs.  

And Beatrice Ost. She has been part of my family for a long time but it really wasn’t until her grandchildren connected with our kids that we became better acquainted and, just as kids tend to do, through our children we have been led into a most beautiful and inspiring relationship of collaboration and inspiration. We wouldn’t be where we are now without her and really everyone in the world. The ripples are real.

6. Do you consider yourself a feminist? If so why and if not why?

I consider myself a feminist because I believe in the unique and essential wisdom of the feminine and its absolute importance in the balance of life. I could also consider myself a divine masculinist but that movement is really in conjunction with the healing of the divine feminine. It is for all of us to heal from this woundedness - not just women.

There is no denying that women have been oppressed for millenia - longer than any other human group except children - and it feels important to me to keep raising the collective awareness to the long lasting effects of oppression that continue to weigh on the lives of everyone. If mama is oppressed, everyone is oppressed because if mama is oppressed she does not have the power she needs to stand up for what she knows in the depths of her heart - to care for the hearts of her family and that kind of pain and injury is passed down a long way.

I have been considering the narrative of our media history around witches - how they have been conveyed so terribly in our social history. I am interested in those stories from the witches’ perspectives. I’d love to hear the backstory of Ursula the deep sea witch in The Little Mermaid. It seems to me that she may have wanted to say something to someone… An easily identifiable sentiment for most human beings at this point. There can be no more pretending how much we have all suffered because of fear and domination. I don’t think we need to gender specify suffering generally but just like with race, it is true that there are some significant stereo types that have been disempowering for a long time.

We are still living in the antiquated world of shame about menstrual cycles for God’s sake! It’s bonkers. I can attest that this particular gift has felt like a burden in this worn out world of 9-5 schedules and limited sick days and - if any - and our basic needs for survival are not cared for enough so that we don't even know this immense gift as an honor. But as we each recognize our person as an immense gift and when we honor ourselves and each  other as such, we change the world.

I am a feminist and a masculinist because I strongly believe that each of us as individuals needs to feel empowered as part of something larger than just our individual egos. Each of us is essential and honoring our unique gifts will and does heal our world in deep and profound ways. Each of us knows something, has a purpose here that needs to be respected by everyone. Men and women both would benefit from honoring the feminine in all that is and vice versa. It is a balance and as long as the balance is off there will be a need for feminism. And just as much there is a need for honoring the divine masculine. It truly is a matter of balance - one that needs support internally and externally as individuals and as a collective.

7. What was the most challenging thing you have had to face as a female Artist?

The most challenging thing I have had to face as a creative being is myself. My own pride and jealousy, self doubt, and a need for external approval have kept me from taking risks, whether it is going into action or taking a nap. Everything I did or didn’t do was based on what I thought somebody else might think which gave me very little room for actual self expression. Giving myself permission to exist independently of other people’s approval and trusting the creative flow has been a matter of challenging oppressive systems - both external and the ones and the ones in my head that I have defended as part of a fear based world. As I continue to grow wiser and my body becomes more of an ally for my heart rather than a sculpture project, I find myself in battle with old paradigms around self image.

It is an interesting time to be alive and I have lots of hope for us as a collective as I continue to break my own belief systems because if I can do it, it can be done. Breaking out of old and limiting beliefs, considering new paradigms, recognizing my inner/outer calling and prioritizing that calling beyond all else has been liberating and empowering. My dream is that all our dreams come true. I know my heart is based in love and that all the struggle has been for learning. This knowledge has helped me come to terms with trauma but I would say I think oppression is systemic and the more we can break free of our own excuses and reasoning to defend oppressive systems, the more swiftly and easily we will transition to a new world. I am more than happy to be inviting in a paradigm of inclusivity, kindness, inquiry, compassion, and honesty. An undeniable breath of fresh air from so many oppressive paradigms past and present.

Listen to “Three Truths”

Connect with Red Flower Lake online via:

https://www.redflowerlake.com/

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https://twitter.com/RedFlowerLake

[ifeveristoday]

you are the vessel and she’s the life

Okay. When I first read issue #3, I did not like it. The art continues to be amazing, the colors glorious and they add to the atmosphere of the Hellmouth world - but I felt at first read, this was a weaker installment for the non-movement of the plot. If Hellmouth was a longer arc, I would have less issues because Jordie & Jeremy are developing Buffy and Angel, and giving the space for the audience to learn more about them, just as other characters are being brought into the spotlight for the namesake comics. I want to learn more about Kendra, Jenny, Fred, Gunn, et al. But it’s also a valid criticism that Buffy was missing from her story, long before Hellmouth began.

To compare Buffy (the intellectual property) to another cultural juggernaut for a minute - Star Wars. The reboots, the prequels, the ever-expanding universe - it’s all Star Wars, no matter what fans may feel about certain portions of it. But I see a lot of the same argument leveled at the Boom!verse that I do about Star Wars - ‘it doesn’t feel like ________________’, or  ‘that’s not my Buffy.’ I’ve certainly done my fair share of completely ignoring/complaining about the Dark Horse ‘canonically approved’ verse, so I get it. And I think just by the nature of a reboot, there are so many expectations, especially when you use the same characters. And IMO, Jordie and co. have been doing an admirable job of balancing their version of Sunnydale vs. memories/nostalgia of the TV canon. 

The point is to remake something for a new audience while respecting the source for the ‘original’ (whatever that means) fans. And it’s such a rich world with many characters to play with, and lots of different ways to explore themes that the show didn’t, or botched/dismissed. It’s a daunting experience to adapt, I’m sure - and I’ve been enjoying reading what Jordie has been doing with character development and the emotional beats of a story. The characters do feel like they exist in 2019.

However, with this issue, I felt like there was retread/not enough of a building on the momentum that Issues 1 and 2 had, along with a last-minute feel of a brand new original character, and some in-jokes that didn’t really add anything. This was my first reaction. Then I read it again, and with the other Hellmouth issues.

Major spoilers underneath the cut.

Back to my earlier point about Buffy being missing from her story - we still don’t know very much about Buffy’s backstory but that was never the point of her character, she was always very much in the now. The earlier issues had her in full Slayer mode with little intervals of an awkward, uncertain teenager! Buffy, and the last time she gets to hang out and do teenager things, Xander gets turned. And we didn’t really see the fallout in terms of Buffy’s feelings about it - but we did get very much appreciated insight into Willow and Xander’s characters. 

Then Buffy flings herself into the Hellmouth, after feeling estranged from Willow and dealing with a lot of unspoken guilt/shame. Oh no, not like TV Canon Buffy at all. 

However, the break from the Scoobies and entering the Hellmouth brought out Buffy Summers in all her confused, messy, intense bravery. Here was the girl who quipped malapropisms, made up sassy nicknames and leaped into the fray, fists first. And here was the girl who’s self-aware that her impetuousness and desire to save people also hurts the people she loves because she pushes them away - both out of necessity and because it’s her job. It’s a common refrain throughout the run of the series, emphasized by Giles and repeated by Buffy - she has to do this, and often alone - she’s the first responder in the apocalypse.

Heroine complex, man.

And then she meets LA’s finest, the dark knight, Mr. Hunchy Shoulders Guy - Angel. I’ve said it before, Bryan Edward Hill’s decision to have Angel meet Buffy cold, with an already established backstory of his own and then Jordie carrying that over into the Hellmouth event really changes the Buffy and Angel dynamic in the Boom!verse. A welcome change, and then when the portents/prophecies kick in, Angel dismisses them completely. His no-nonsense, I’m just here to do a job and then I’m out mode is amusing to me, because obviously, this is going to end up in romantic comedy land, just with a higher body count and lots of blood.

Buffy and Angel in TV canon never really got that light-hearted, getting-to-know-you phase because there was always the pall of forbidden love/gothic angst/and willful misunderstandings on both parties, never mind the interference/concerns and complaints from the people who loved them.

In Hellmouth, not only do Buffy and Angel get developed as characters, so does their budding ‘work’ friends relationship. Their banter is just delightful to read, and they get to be vulnerable/honest (to a point) with each other, that they haven’t been able to do so with their respective friends. And as they’re fighting demons and tracking down Drusilla, it creates an understandably sudden bond that most likely wouldn’t have happened above ground. They’re the only ones who can stop the forces of evil and cover each other’s backs.

Except for the undead elephant in the room, that has been in the room since Angel first appeared in Sunnydale -

Angel is a vampire. Angel witnessed Drusilla attacking Xander -- and did nothing to stop it.

And he knew it was Drusilla and Spike.

That lie comes back to majorly haunt his ass in Issue #3. Drusilla gleefully tells Buffy that he saw the whole thing, and also he has this whole other name, Angelus, which Buffy completely mishears and then rounds on Angel, asking him pointedly if they need a moment, or can she do the job she’s here for.

The revelation that Angel didn’t stop Xander’s turning naturally pings Buffy’s anger defenses and she tells him actually, no, we’re not friends, you don’t know me (even though I vented my guts out to you and you know I’m a slayer and you give weird pep talks to try to make me feel better -- Issues 1 & 2) - and I think besides the fact that Angel stood by and did nothing, it’s also that he didn’t tell her. Angel not telling Buffy important things, lying by omission basically, breaks their fragile alliance. 

But it’s not until the second lie.

Something that has been driving me nuts since the first issue is that Angel hasn’t revealed his Vampire self to Buffy. There’s different levels to the relationships Angel has cultivated so far in the Boom!verse - with Fred and Gunn, he’s an ally (reluctant on Gunn’s part) and a friend (Fred) and he’s upfront with them that he’s a vampire. But with Buffy, who is going to be a major part of his life (if any of the previous portents and prophecies are to go by), he holds off/and hides his vampire self. And the question is why? Buffy already has a friend who has a Vampire side, but Xander’s a special case because he can still pass as human. 

And it’s humanity that pops up in this issue - I knew it was coming, due to Boom’s wildly spoilery summaries/previews, but the way it was delivered?

Auggie - I know he has a full demon name but I’m not typing it out - and I think his name is also derived from Augury which means an omen/sign of what will happen in the future, seemed out of place to me. I mean, okay having a hell hut in the middle of the Hellmouth is whimsical and not completely out of the realm of the Buffyverse tone, and demons just trying to demon with no ambition to destroy the world is always nice to see - I just felt the introduction of him was too McGuffiny. There already was a figure who could see into the future (two of them, if you count Fee Fee from Angel’s first issue, except she disappeared into the plot hole where women characters go in that issue) and the initial one who set Angel on this path: Lilith. 

Having Angel strike up a random conversation with an essentially magic demon eight ball when he could have been searching for Buffy or Drusilla felt like an unwelcome departure from the main story. Yes, the revelation that Angel could achieve humanity through some terrible ritual is important, but also - do you believe a demon who’s making a stew out of unidentifiable parts in the middle of the Hellmouth and just casually drops that information? 

Read the room, Angel. It’s probably a trap.

Back to the A-story, Buffy thinks the Cthulu shape-shifter demon is back when she sees the vision of the guys in her life attacking the women - Giles and Jenny, Eric and Joyce, and Xander and Willow.Just as the Demon Joyce taunted her about her absence causing more havoc than help, the Demon men call her out Greek Chorus style - Giles says, “Sunnydale burns, Sacrifice.” Xander tells her, “But we can stop all this. The mother awaits you.”Eric says, “Come. End this suffering.”

Buffy accuses Dru of orchestrating this, and she laughs and tells her, “This is the hellmouth. Adapt, won’t you? It’s adapted to you....these are your people. This your nightmare.”

Buffy denies it coming true, and Dru tells her that it may yet come true - and she’s left Sunnydale defenseless. A slayer without her friends. There are fouler things than beasts, above. There are men.

Who have become the puppets of the unseen Hellmother.

So Drusilla was a red herring, a pawn in the game of Evil Chess. And this bums me out because Dru as a tangible villain/opponent is more interesting to me than another shadowy doom voice from the ether. Hellmother? Really?

This is where the reboot kind of loses me - Buffy’s greatest villains have been the ones who were personal to her, not as in just wanting to kill her, but an active part of her life. Dru (and by extension, Spike) in the Boom!verse would qualify because of what she did to Xander and threatening her mother. Dru being the front of a disembodied voice (that probably will take form in the next two issues) is a letdown. It’s the First Evil again.

The side effect of the men being turned into malevolent goons - okay, that is scary, but are we talking the Pack/Billy scary? (aka not very good episodes of either show because they either pulled punches or handwaved consequences)

Buffy teams up with Drusilla, which was unexpected, but at this point in the game, Buffy doesn’t have that many options. Her friend is missing (and it’s telling that even though she was hurt by the knowledge Angel did nothing to prevent Xander’s turning, she still refers to him as a friend to Drusilla. It might not be true forgiveness, but she was willing to move on, just for the sake of finding him and working to stop this mess.) And she keeps on reminding herself, these demons are not her friends, and are not real.

Which brings us to the final act - in more ways than one. Angel gets ambushed by a bunch of orc looking vampires, and finally goes Not Today, Satan on them.

And of course Buffy spots him on a mound of corpses, in full vamp face.

As much as I’m disappointed with the way Angel’s vampirism is revealed, it had to happen, and I have to admit, those last pages and panels are incredibly vivid and affecting.

Angel’s outstretched human hands covered in blood?

Buffy’s disbelief and then hardened look of disgust and her, “Don’t touch me.”

Goddammit.

Jordie and Jeremy have specific repetitions that I find interesting in terms of character development and where I think the plot is going -

Friends - the potential loss of them, the making of them, who to trust and how personal actions always have a consequence in relation to friends - Buffy is down on herself because she pushes people away and tried to lone wolf and it always, always blows up in her face, so this new thing with Angel is Buffy trying something new - trusting the other person so she can trust herself (because even though Willow and Xander are helpful and her besties, Buffy still can’t fully trust them with the fighting of evil because of her Slayer nature and belief that it’s her sole responsibility. She’s never had friends like that before. Angel has an equivalent strength to hers and already knows the evil game.)

So this issue blowing up all those tentative friend bridges? 

Fucking painful. Because now it feels like Buffy was right - she can’t trust Angel, he’s not a friend, because why would he lie? Why didn’t he stop Drusilla? They clearly have a history. Has he been in on this from the beginning?

Buffy is alone, again.

And Angel? Who the fuck knows. Buffy has become important to him in a short amount of time, and it still needs to be addressed why he did nothing to save Xander. He was already on the saving gig, and was it because he knew Spike and Dru that he let it pass out of...familial bonds?  That still doesn’t jibe with what he’s atoning for now. 

As always, thanks to @jenny-calendar for being there for me to figure out all these fiddly parts. I still think this is the weakest issue of Hellmouth, and I’m not as confident as I was before in thinking it’ll be wrapped up neatly in the last two issues - but I hope this doesn’t signal the end of crossovers, and that the relationship wherever it goes, continues to develop over both of their lines. But I dislike it less on reread.

And Buffy better make an appearance in Ring of Fire, damn it.

AND WHERE IS CAMAZOTZ?

[moistwithgender]

Monthly Media Roundup (June-July 2019)

Well, I neglected doing a post last month, and now another has passed. I haven’t done too much, about three games each month and not anything else media-wise, so let’s get it all done right now!

Little Nightmares (PC/Steam): 

These types of spooky “cinematic platformers”, like LIMBO and INSIDE, never really scare me or fill me with dread. Part of this may be that due to the trappings of cinematic platformers. Checkpoints are very fair, and nothing is too difficult because priority is on delivering the story. Little side challenges exist, like trying to light all the candles or break all the porcelain dolls in the short 3-hour run of the game, but these are also pretty reasonable, even if you’re in a chase sequence. I’m reminded of a youtuber I briefly followed who talked about how horror games aren’t scary anymore, and somewhat unintentionally delivered the point that as you become accustomed to the limits of a medium, and therefore are less likely to be surprised by it, you’re also much less likely to be scared by it. It’s a somewhat unfortunate and inevitable trade-off to becoming more invested in a hobby. When I was a kid, all games held infinite possibility, and so an NPC in Harvest Moon telling me that wild dogs came out at night led me to think that night time held the possibility of ENEMIES in a game without combat. What the NPC meant was that you should build fences. As an adult who has spent my life playing games, I can tell you that a game is almost never going to put you in a situation without the means to deal with it. If there’s going to be combat, you’re going to know how combat works before an ambush. If there’s an escape sequence, you’re going to be in an area that facilitates your escape (often a narrow space that leads you in a direction while also making it as harrowing as possible). Games are theme park rides, and while learning that can make seemingly difficult games more manageable and enjoyable, it also gradually disillusions you. Thankfully, there are always new things to learn if you keep an open mind.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (3DS): 

2019 has been about thoroughly enjoying the games that I considered overrated in my young adulthood. I joked on twitter that 70% of my personality was disliking Final Fantasy VII and Ocarina of Time, and honestly, it might as well have been. I earned a lot of undeserved respect in college through arrogantly spouting hot takes about “objectively good art”, and a lot of people reasonably assumed this must mean I know exactly what I’m talking about. The way I process art and media is much looser and more personal than it used to be, partially due to burning out and becoming too exhausted to deal with other arrogant people. I think a lot about how tiring I had to be for other people to talk to. Watching Tim Rogers bleed his personal trauma into his video series on the subtleties of FF7’s japanese script was the most instrumental in turning me back toward the game. When Square Enix revealed gameplay footage of the remake at E3 this year, I was hooting and hollering with the longtime fans.

But, this is about Zelda, not Final Fantasy. I had already played through OoT, as hurriedly as possible, just to say I had done it. It was the better part of a decade ago, at the urging of a then-girlfriend who had nostalgia for it. Frustrations with the Water Temple in the original version are valid despite it being largely well designed, due to some minor shortsighted-ness that blows up into nagging issues, but I think I had put myself in the headspace to dislike it from the get-go. Similarly, I didn’t want to do any collecting in the game as a whole. I had convinced myself that there was no joy to be found in collecting in games (a take bereft of nuance). When the point of Zelda games is to inspire the player to explore every nook and cranny in search of rewards, going in as a player and stubbornly trying to avoid any of that ensures that you’ll miss the point of the whole experience. I’m not sure what it was that made me want to go back. It might be that I wanted to prove my younger, cockier self wrong, and pave over my old evaluations with more nuance. 

It certainly worked out that way, as several previous opinions changed entirely. Ruto used to be annoying to me, but was now one of my favorite characters. Doing all the little minigames felt rewarding in itself, and in turn I was unexpectedly rewarded with important items (they really did bet everything on the entire world they’d made). The Water Temple, now tweaked for a bit more convenience in the 3DS version, was extremely interesting. The side quest to acquire the Biggoron Sword was easily doable, whereas I had grown up assuming it impossible. And the story which had never appealed to me (because I wouldn’t let it) now felt relatable in a way I hadn’t expected. Link intends to do good, but through unfortunate circumstances and honest mistakes becomes unable to take part in the world, and it spirals downward for years as he remains trapped in a room, aging but inactive. Something about that mirrors my own experiences with depression. Sure, Link, can travel back to his younger self at any time, but there’s still a powerlessness in the inability to affect the seven year gap. You can flash back, but you can’t change what you’ve lost.

Banjo-Kazooie (N64): 

You know, as a kid I probably would have just accepted that Grunty was evil, but as an adult it’s hard not to see her as a product of her environment. Obsessed with asking her cauldron who the objectively prettiest in the world is, she seeks out and kidnaps the younger girl given the title in an attempt to steal her youth. Every character in the game describes Grunty as ugly, rather than evil, and even her own sister shows up in every area to tell you how gross she is and how terrible her lifestyle is. I ended up sympathizing with her more than anyone else. I’ve only played half an hour of Banjo-Tooie, but it was a relief in multiple ways to see her pivot to straight up murder after rising from the dead.

Despite playing Donkey Kong Country multiple times growing up, I’d never really grown to love Rare’s in-house aesthetic of big-eyed cartoony animals. It might be hypocritical, but Smash Ultimate’s reveals for both King K. Rool and Banjo (and) Kazooie made me see the charm in these characters. Something about how Smash canonizes characters as essential pieces of game history always causes me to drop any negative pretense and adopt them as favorites. It’s a little intellectually hypocritical, but I can’t help liking what I like. After the trailer for B-K in Smash, I immediately started up the original game in Retroarch. Thankfully the core I used was advanced enough to play the game without issues (the same cannot be said for Tooie), as other alternatives were expensive or hard to get a hold of. While the slightly-mean humor and talking animate objects took a bit of getting used to, I get it now. I get the children’s show aesthetic they were aiming for, and I appreciate the feel of the physics and control of the interspecies friendship of the protagonists working in tandem with each other, even if the game is at times quite difficult.

Dragon Quest I, II, & III (SNES): 

Yes, I did play through three JRPGs in a row! And yes, you might notice that the hero of Dragon Quest XI (and VIII, and IV, and III) was also announced for Smash Ultimate. They recently released, as of this writing! A lot of what I’ve been playing has been influenced by outside forces, whether it be Nintendo news or friends, but I’m not bothered at all when otherwise I might not have the energy to play anything. The games I’ve been playing are also ones I’ve intended to play for a while, so the excuses have been convenient for me. Though, actually, this decision had less to do with the Smash announcement and more to do with the upcoming re-release of DQXI, which seems to be related to the original three games, known as The Erdrick Trilogy. I had heard that you can play XI on its own, but that there is an extra layer of appreciation to be had if you’ve played the original trilogy. Me being me, I naturally queued them up. I chose the older fan translations of the SNES remakes, and though I did finish them, I can tell you that they have their fair share of bugs (DQII even has a game breaking glitch I had to finagle through using save states across multiple versions, phew). Besides that, those old translations lack the modern localizations of the games, so if they namedrop something in XI, there’s a chance it’ll go over my head. Oops! If you want to play these games, the best versions are currently on mobile phones.

Around a decade ago I was in early college, with no friends except for those still in high school or at another university. I was very lonely and nervous. I started playing Dragon Quest V purely by chance, and it served as the perfect salve for that loneliness, with its lonely child protagonist traveling around the world accumulating found family. It’s one of the more poignant and cathartic JRPGs I’ve ever played, and for the next decade I would actually be bothered that the rest of the games didn’t live up to the catharsis of DQV.

In revisiting the roots of the series, and playing it through to see how it develops from title to title, it finally clicked with me, and continues to click with me, as I keep learning more about the series. Rather than comparing every entry to DQV, I should have been comparing them in order. This might sound obvious, but it really did make a world of difference to see that V’s narrative is placed on top of the foundation the previous games set, rather than a singular case of lightning in a bottle. And the games have always featured loneliness, but in differing contexts, and to different degrees. The hero of DQI is almost entirely alone through the full game. In DQII, the princess comes from lonely circumstances, and one of the princes comes down with a sickness that leaves him temporarily unable to help his friends. In DQIII you can make as many team members as you want, but you grow up with an absent father, and your own good deeds receive bittersweet resolution. They are all games built on simple settings and followed through with empathy. The series is at times disarmingly heavy, which is part of what makes the games as memorable as they are. You’re never quite as prepared for Dragon Quest as you think you are.

As of this writing I’m currently half-way through a replay of Dragon Quest IV, and I’m enjoying it a lot more. I’m looking forward to replaying V. I have no idea what VI will be like. I’ve heard it’s a lower point in the series, but that’s what I heard about II as well, and I ended up loving it, so who knows. Dragon Quest is good.

---

Well, I managed to catch up. I didn’t get into the finer details of the DQ playthroughs, but DQIII is honestly so good I don’t want to spoil it for anyone (you should play these games). Maybe in August I’ll actually get back to watching and reading things. Maybe I’ll try to keep these things to a single paragraph per item, to make it more manageable to read. Let me know what you think, if you think.

[rawliverandcigarettes]

Thoughts on Fanfiction

Hey.

Today I have thoughts. Not that I didn’t have thoughts on this for a very long time, but for some complex, private-ish reasons it really culminated today into near anger, and I want to put it out here.

I’ve put it under a cut because maybe people don’t want to read me being moody about fanfiction. Sometimes, the day just isn’t right for salt, and I get that.

TLDR: I feel like we are solely enabling fanfiction authors to write stuff for them that immediately feels good, and not enabling each other enough to also have the nerve of writing stuff of consequence, that matters, that takes advantage of this political medium with intent, and that jokingly calling each other trash all the time to cope with external disdain of transformative works is not pushing us to craft stories of greater impact.

So the thing is. Fanfiction is not legal. We can turn it on its head, slap the « transformative works » on it (zero shade, I love this term, but this is still a way to make fanfiction more acceptable to the current system), it remains illegal on a fundamental level based on how it disagrees with the way our northern culture decided the belonging of ideas is a concept that exists, that there is a state of purity of thought that then can be profited from and needs to be protected from external devaluation. Fanfiction is by nature very anticapitalist – it disagrees with these values by its very nature. Myself, I do not see the point of creation that doesn’t become a chain reaction. Anything that refuses to be transformative, that desperately wants to remain pure (and stagnant) is as good as wasted work, because it’s trying to fight the very way ideas are formed, and the purpose of art, which remains communication at its core.

So to me there are a lot of similitudes between hacker communities and fanwork creators, because the act of refusing the concept of property of content as eternal, unmoving and to be consumed passively, is politic (because it involves money down the line, and controlling who gets to create products, who gets to consume them and how). I think that’s very interesting, because there lies the ground for counterculture, stuff happening, conversations, explorations and experimentations that will not suffer the gatekeeping of traditional businesses in charge of ensuring quality and controlling the market (nooot saying they are not necessary or don’t do a great job in the context in which we live, which is under capitalism, but they are still guardians of worth, distribution, and serve as a tool to maintain said market into place). But… Yeah, needless to say, this is not how fanfiction is perceived by the outside world, and not even by its own authors.

I have a particular disdain for how fanfiction turned into this joke, a joke perpetuated by people who never invested in the medium in good faith. Fanfiction have this sexist, queerphobic connotation of amateurism, of being unworthy of honest investment and serious consideration. As authors, we hide it with shame and share it under the anonymity of internet. We make up excuses for our interest: « I know it’s trash, but it’s my guily pleasure », « Sure most of them are bad, but there’s some really good ones in there, I promise! (please believe me, I’m not like other girls fanfiction readers/authors) ».

As if most of any art medium, especially easily accessible one, isn’t amateurish and hollow, and also an amazing ground to grow in and experience ideas as well. But that’s a tale we have been told, that we are trash, and we kept telling it to ourselves, until at some point, we got to that part that really annoys me; we started to believe it.

I am honestly tired of seeing all this enabling echo-chamber about how we are valid because we want to write this popular trope, this coffeeshop AU even though everybody else did it already and we have nothing special to contribute to it, that it’s all about having fun because life is too short not to. I agree with these posts. I am against cringe culture as well. I agreed a lot, before I saw literally hundreds of posts like that on my dash, and yet I was seeing no post that says: maybe you have it in you to say something important. Maybe you could challenge yourself to more than the absolute minimum for your immediate enjoyment. Maybe your perspective is important, so do it justice and get your voice out there. Maybe try to leave something behind you that fuels change, and not stagnation. Maybe disagree. Maybe you won’t be able to make it perfectly right, but maybe try still.

This wouldn’t bother me as much if the state of mainstream culture aesthetic right now wasn’t so worringly unnuanced, concise and entertainment-driven, with immediate power fantasies of vague progressism and very little hard work of subtext and understanding of larger systems that don’t feel as simple and easy to break. But that’s just what mainstream culture does. We don’t have to be that –nobody is paying us for doing so.

And I understand we live hard historic times that are scary, scarring, hard to swallow, that we crave black and white, and simplicity of the interpersonnal, that most people are driven by the need to be loved romantically and feel warm at least in their own head, and that fanfiction is free work –I get that.  And I’m not saying that we should stop doing fluff and unconsequence either, because it is important too, and it is important to cultures and lives that maybe are not mine. But writing is essentially assembling smaller ideas into bigger ones, so making sure they say something worthwhile about who you are, your experience of the world, what matters to you, is only giving justice to your own voice. I find it jarring that I sometimes see people bullying each other on the base of personal interpretation of fiction that challenges some sort of statut quo –wasn’t this the entire point?

I just want us to remind ourselves of the political nerve of what we are doing. And that we are as entitled to write unconsequence and fluff than we are on writing stuff that digs, criticizes, matters.

[hilunawrites]

25 Lessons on my 25th Birthday --Part 2

Thank you so much for all the love and reblogs of Part 1— ”25 Lessons on my 25th Birthday!” I’m glad my lessons could help some of you, and I hope you get as much out of Part 2 as the last. For these next ten, if one or more of the lessons resonate with you, please reblog and let me know which ones! You can find Part 1 here. Now let’s jump into it:

11.)    Don’t blindly accept rules and boundaries “set” by society.

Society has a lot to say about how we “should” live our lives: the “correct” path in life to follow and in what order, “good” career choices versus “poor” ones, “normal” relationship practices…the list goes on and on.

Each of us is on our own path in life. These societal rules and boundaries don’t take into consideration that we all start from different points, have different priorities and belief systems, and, frankly, don’t deserve to be limited to such an extent during our time here on Earth! If you want to have a baby first and go to school later, become an artist, or have a polyamorous relationship—YOU DO YOU. Your internal guiding system is infinitely more important. You are no less than those that choose to abide by societal expectations.

12.)    Don’t forget where you came from.

I know not everyone comes from a happy place or a happy family. Maybe you were over-the-moon ecstatic when you could finally get the hell out. My family and I have a strained relationship, and I’m happy to have some distance from them. My hometown on the other hand? I miss it desperately. When I left, a hole in me formed that won’t ever be completely healed.

Either way, whether you love or hate where you come from—it’s helped shape who you are today. You’ve learned invaluable lessons during your childhood and as a teenager about yourself, your beliefs, your likes/dislikes, and your passions. Where you come from has shaped you in huge and subtle ways, and you are here, exactly how you are in this present moment, because of your past. And with some reflection, you can learn a lot from that and continue on your way into the future.

13.)    Communicate.

A little obvious this one, but an indispensable lesson nonetheless. NEVER. STOP. COMMUNICATING. And I mean clear, direct, honest, and open communication. If you just say what you mean without beating around the bush or teetering towards passive-aggression, you will sustain solid relationships with others, based on mutual trust and respect.

Also, don’t expect anyone to be able to read your mind! This is one of the most unfair and egocentric things we expect from other people. No one else is in your head with you--don’t assume people will know why you feel a certain way or what you want/need them to do! Spell it out for them. For example, “I need you to show your love for me more, and this is how… ” So much hurt and frustration could be avoided if every human practiced effective communication.

14.)    Decorate your home.

I’ve noticed several times throughout my life that I never truly feel at home unless I decorate it. I would switch bedrooms as a kid or move to new apartments and postpone decorating my new space for months or even years! A big mistake. It was only after I finally put up my posters, pictures, quotes, cards, and art pieces from friends that I truly felt at HOME. I feel euphoric as I look around and take in MY space. It welcomes me, it welcomes others, and I feel like I’m claiming my little corner of the world, marking it as my own. In a way, it makes me feel a little powerful, being able to express myself however I wish in my home decorations.  

15.)    Don’t call them “guilty pleasures.”

We all have that one thing (or several things!) we think we “shouldn’t” enjoy—usually because it’s unpopular or criticized by the majority of people or our closest friends. As a way of fitting in, we deny ourselves the opportunity to indulge openly and unabashedly in our “guilty pleasures.” How sad is this? We’re only on this Earth for a limited amount of time, why not enjoy the things we enjoy? Don’t waste time worrying about what others will think of you listening to that One Direction album for the umpteenth time—relish every second you spend partaking in that activity! It will feel so much better than the alternative, trust me. Just take solace in the fact that everyone has pleasures that could be criticized by others—so let’s just like what we like and get off each other’s backs!

16.)    It’s okay to cut people off.

You are under no obligation to keep toxic people in your life. Whether these people are strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family—you have the right to fill your life with people who lift you up, not tear you down. Whether that means you set healthy boundaries with problematic people or drop them completely, be sure to make the right choice for YOU. The choice that makes YOU feel free and safe. Take care of yourself first, before you worry about how your choices affect others.  

And when it comes to family, you do not have to love someone simply because you share blood with them. Sometimes they honest to God do not deserve to have someone as spectacular as you in their life. Find your chosen family and lean into them. They will support you.

17.)    You don’t have to win every argument.

I have a terrible habit of trying to use logic in order to “win” every argument. I rationalize, I explain, I call out the other person on inconsistencies or hypocrisy. If I can destroy all the holes on their side, and sew mine up nice and pretty they won’t be able to deny that I’m right and they’re wrong. Then they’ll apologize and we’ll move on—right? Wrong.

In the end, “winning” doesn’t feel as good as I think it will. The other person is still upset, frustrated, and fed up with me. We move on, sure…but have we actually gained anything from our disagreement except more grief?

I’m trying my hardest to listen more and speak less when I’m having an argument. If we are all willing to self-reflect and validate the other’s feelings before jumping to the defensive, disagreements will be resolved more smoothly, quickly, and respectfully. This way we can move on without as many residual feelings of resentment.

18.)    Hug and cuddle people often. And animals too.

Of course this depends on whether you’re a touchy-feely person or comfortable with animals—which I am! It’s just science: hugging someone for even 20 seconds releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which can do wonders for your mental and physical health. I love hugging, cuddling, kissing, all of that. It helps my lungs open up, and I can breathe better. I feel safe—like the other person is a human wall of protection.

And I could never forget my dog, Dobby. He is so soft and cuddly, I sometimes can’t resist leaning over and giving him a big squeeze. He loves to lie with me, placing his head in my lap or over my legs and letting out a deep sigh. In those moments, I can hardly take his utter adorableness!

These physical touches make me feel closely connected with the people and animals around me, and these connections spark positive emotions of happiness, safety, love, and belonging. Who couldn’t use a little more of that in their everyday life?

19.)    Stand up for what’s right, even if you’re standing alone.

A scary thought right? Especially for those of us who don’t like the spotlight…

There are some things that I know are absolutely wrong (sexism, racism, homo/bi/transphobia etc.) and I am often placed in situations where I have a choice to make. Do I speak up and break the silence? Or do I let the inappropriate and unacceptable comment or action remain unchecked?

When I’m the only person who realizes what’s going on is wrong, it makes it that much harder to stand up for what’s right. I might be punished or retaliated against in some way, shape, or form. They may ignore me, criticize me for taking things too seriously or overreacting, or even ostracize me from a particular group or community.

I once worked at a place where people openly made racist comments and were willfully ignorant about their culturally appropriative actions. This was particularly concerning because my colleagues and I worked in close proximity with young children who were soaking everything up like a sponge. Long story short, I stood up for what was right, even though I was standing alone—none of my colleagues were willing to stand with me—and just a few miserable weeks later was forced to quit.

Now that sounds like a terrible story—why should we stand up if we’re just going to be shut down and punished for “speaking out of turn?” First, I planted a seed. Sometime down the line (even if it is years from now) my ex-coworkers will be forced to reflect on their teaching methods which will no doubt become outdated and unacceptable with time. Second, I got myself out of an environment I now know I couldn’t have worked in long-term.  And third, I’m able to share my story and continue encouraging others to also stand up for what’s right. It’ll take time, but one person standing up will lead to two, then ten, then 100, then 1000, until widespread change takes over the whole world.

 20.)��   That being said, don’t be afraid to step back if you need to.

If you’re not emotionally able to handle a situation you’ve gotten yourself into, it’s more than okay to step back. If you remember from Part 1, you come first. ALWAYS. If you need to take a temporary or permanent break from something, do it. Just living, let alone fighting for equality or standing up to others, takes a lot of emotional strength and courage. Self-care is imperative to your success in all areas of your life, and sometimes the best thing you can do for you is to step back and take yourself out of a situation which has become toxic or spiraled out of control. No need to feel guilty. Be selfish. I’m serious. Everything else can take a back seat while you take care of yourself. Nothing is more important than your well-being.

**

I hope you enjoyed lessons 11-20 today! I’ll post my final 5 lessons on July 18th, my actual birthday (O_O). Again, if any of these lessons resonated with you, please reblog and let me know which ones! I look forward to reading your thoughts.

**

Those of you who enjoyed Part 1, I’m tagging you here: @alinakerrin, @theouterdark, @awkward-sappho, @atgit, @crucioandcoffee, @skullszeyes, @sarcastictinydancer, @ilike-art, @fangirling4mynicoandazriel, @macemason, @brookexautumn, @whitewolf756, @ducklingxkitten, @axel-writes, @neodesta

[niemasross-blog]

Did you know you do not have to rely on anyone else to validate the authentic person you are from the inside out?

Self-validation is very fucking hard. To be able to not only see your worth and value within yourself, but to believe in your value, worth and standards is a completely a different elephant in the room. Believing in yourself takes active and daily commitment to question everything you know about yourself, values, worth, knowledge, life experiences, and engagement with others. Active self-acceptance and letting go of the unnecessary bullshit truths is a full time job, along with the willingness to be a fluid human reeducating yourself daily about everything you have previously assumed about yourself.

Say that three times fast.

The reason I am pushing self-validation, active self-love, and self-acceptance is because of my personal frustration with the person I believed I was, along with the end of my marriage, change in the dynamic of home for myself and children, my angst with social media, living in a small thriving community figuring out what the city is actually defined as, my self-identity as a black woman in America, growing older, and dating. All of these things were causing me to question everything and my future. I was engaged in a life of living on the surface, the shallow depth I had lived with, or what I thought I was living with was not real, there were no real deep connections to anything I choose to present to the world. I felt a disconnect to everything I knew to be true, and I hated the empty emotions. I despised my life: no drink was helping, my job was not helping, no self-help book was helping, and therapy was just me continuing the same sad depressing conversation on a loop. Something had to fucking change before I just gave in and became everything terrible about myself I was believing to be true.

Then I stumbled upon a blog, and then paid for another self-help book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”.  This book changed my fucking life perspective majorly. In a huge way, everything shifted from the first paragraphs. EVERYTHING changed and I learned three major truths I was denying:

1. I was full of shit and lying to myself 100%. The lies I told myself in no particular order: I was happy, I knew my self-identity as a black woman, I was living my best life, I was going to get everything I wanted from life simply because I existed and I was doing everything I needed to do in order to live the best life. Lies. Crap on a stick. Bullshit. Wrong. The truth: I was spending to much money ‘socializing’, believing I was this popular person who was ‘engaged’ in the community and was social. No. I was hungover, paying someone’s rent and being cool in one or two bars. I wasn’t writing, creating, learning, volunteering, giving back or trying to improve myself in any form and I was fucking miserable...so I started going home, saving my money, paying my rent/bills ON TIME, loving my American blackness, defining my blackness, loving my melanin, loving being black (this was crucial, which I will get into in my podcast in the very near future.) All of this was happening while being honest about the end of my marriage, not being able to do more for my children because I was simply trying to survive on my own, but I was working on making life better for EVERYONE. I became honest about realizing my life wasn’t going to drop into my life, I had to realize what I actually wanted from my fucking life in the first fucking place. I had to face the alone time, the loneliness and I had to admit my life was not going to start once I was in a long term relationship with someone. I had to admit I was not happy. Once I started breaking these items one by one: I was breaking down my own barriers, I was gathering the strength to face myself and was ready to make changes to have a sustainable life.

2. You have to turn off the fucking phone and take a break from social media. The moment was a TV show cliche: I was depressed, scrolling and scrolling, it was raining, I was off work, and from my perspective “no one wants to hang out with me, I am single, I am alone, I am miserable, no one understands me, I have nothing to do, blah blah blah blah.” So I sat in my bed, depressed as fuck wasting my battery, scrolling, being insanely envious of other people’s posts, status updates and photos. I was sitting in bed silently crying looking at people, places and life in my hand, through a slightly cracked screen, upset as fuck I was in bed “not doing anything”. Totally wasting time being depressed because I couldn’t jump in the screen and join what I perceived as people living their best lives. It was asinine. I was watching life go by on a screen, when I could have been painting, writing, reading, drawing, learning the guitar, ANYTHING, I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING ANYTHING TO IMPROVE MYSELF AS A HUMAN BEING. Yet here I was sitting and scrolling miserably wasting time being envious of art created, books written, music playing and not saying to myself; “Bitch all this shit you are envious about, THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO BE ARE DOING THE WORK, PUTTING IN THE HOURS OF PRACTICE AND FAILING, TRYING, GROWING, EXPERIMENTING AND WORKING!” Life just does not happen, you have to actively do the work to create the life you want to happen. So I deleted the Facebook app and went on a social media hiatus. It was fucking weird  in the beginning not being connected. I asked myself: “what am I going to do, I have nothing to do!?!” The sad reality was: I had plenty of shit to do. But the fear of not getting the instant gratification of what others thought, the fear I was not going to compare to the people I was envious of who were creating their lives, the fear I was not going to be in the loop of my ‘social life’, which was not very deep because I was having the same sad drunk conversations over and over. I was afraid because I wanted to simply express myself, live my life, and do things without people seeing, liking and commenting. It is a jarring realization to observe yourself addicted to social media. Social media is a wonderful tool, but the personal connection we have to this tool is becoming debilitating in the sense we are on edge waiting to be validated by what we choose to allow people to perceive about ourselves. It is fucked. So I disengaged myself, I put my fucking phone down and started living my life. I now know social media is a tool, it is something which connects us to the world, and gives us the ability to share our progress in life, but what I have also learned is you have to be willing to do the work to create the life you want; and life is not going to be picture perfect, there is no filter for living, you simply must live.

3. I was surrounded by toxic people who I was allowing to make me feel like shit about my life because they were not giving me anything, except grief. This is the biggest part of acceptance and change. Observing who is around you, who is invested in your worth and value, but if you treat yourself like shit, then the people around you are going to treat you like shit. Simple math. I had to identify why I was allowing these people to make me believe I deserved to be treated like shit, why I believe my value was shit. I had to dive into the subconsciousness, which is fucking scary. There are a lot of scary truths to untruth in the fucking brain basement of horrors. Terrifying to come to the truth my relationships with men were toxic because I believed I was at fault for being molested, raped and sexually assaulted, but this was not true. I am not the punching bag for someone else being a piece of shit and taking advantage of me because I felt I was powerless and deserving of this level of disrespect. FUCK ALL OF THAT FUCK SHIT. So I stopped ignoring red neon hot signals about shit men, started speaking up when disrespected, or felt as if someone was taking advantage of me AND I learned how to fall in love with myself, while giving up this lesson I was taught someone else has to fall in love with me in order for me to love myself. No. You have to fall in love with yourself, in order to share the love you have for yourself with someone else WHO IS ALSO IN IN LOVE WITH THEMSELVES. 

This active self-love is key is changing your life and how you value yourself, because you learn to be confident in the ability to be wiling to learn, grow and value who you are from the heart. You become confident in what you want to do to feed your soul, you become confident in simply expressing yourself without the needing to be concerned with the reception from anyone else.

You gotta do the work kiddos. Face your first three untruths. Then get to work.

[thrashff]

P.A.

Title: P.A. (Personal Assistant)

(Part 1/?)

Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader (AU)

Word count: 2,700~

Synopsis: Y/N is stuck in a dead-end job, conflicted between pursuing her music career as a producer and her social anxiety. In a tight spot for money, she takes on a new, well-paying job that she desperately needs as Personal Assistant to the cold and emotionally distant Namjoon, an up and coming rap artist. (Cameos from the rest of the Bangtan boys)

A/N: Hello! I’m very, very new to this, so comments and suggestions would be appreciated! I got the idea in to my head and my brain refused to let it go, so this will be a multi-parter, seeing where it will take me. (Very) slow burn, attempted fluff, alternate character histories, and eventual smut, maybe! I hope you guys enjoy!

It had been a long day, and it wasn’t showing any signs of getting better anytime soon. You stare gloomily at the cheap wall clock hanging on the greige wall of your cubicle, wishing fervently for 5PM to arrive faster. What feels like an eternity later, the second hand finally moves, and you shove your fist into your mouth to stifle the loud groan that escapes you.

It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this. You had done everything right—gotten top marks in high school, finished your college degree, hit the pavement the second you graduated looking for a job. Unfortunately, it was a more cut-throat world than you anticipated, and the only job you could find was as a clerk’s assistant. The pay was bad and the hours were worse, but it was enough to keep you fed and in your tiny studio apartment. You figure things could be a lot worse.

You take a deep breath and square your shoulders, pulling the next stack of files closer to you. If you’re going to be stuck here for another four hours, you might as well get some work done.

Like clockwork, your cellphone rings at exactly 7PM, more or less halfway through your commute home. You startle awake on the bus, automatically clicking the control button on your headphones to answer the call, and a familiar voice greets you.

“Oy, Y/N, are you there?”

“Yes, Yoongi, I’m here,” you mumble, rubbing sleep from your eyes.

“You useless lump, you fell asleep on the train again didn’t you?”

You roll your eyes as you fish your phone out of your pocket, even though you know your best friend can’t see you. “I was watching The Art of Rhyme last night, fuckface. I wasn’t doing what you do.”

He chuckles, the sound low and threatening to anyone else but you. “Which would be what, exactly?”

A dangerous smile dances on your lips and you lower your voice to a whisper so that no one else on the train can hear you say, “Jack off every night to demented clown porn.”

The jibe is enough to startle a laugh from him, forcing him to drop his default pretense of being scary. “YAH, you’re so depraved!” Yoongi exclaims, so loudly that it hurts your ears.

You chuckle, taking an earbud out and massaging your ear. “Probably, but do you have to be so loud? It hurts my ears,” you complain.

“Serves you right, pervert.”

“What do you want, Yoongi?” you sigh, thumbing quickly through the (lack of) notifications on your phone.

“I have a proposition for you,” he says, and you can hear the smirk in his voice. Not for the first time, you wonder what life would be like without a sadist for a best friend.

“No, I will not have sex with you, no matter how desperate for money I get,” you deadpan, rising from your seat as you near your stop. The old lady next to you sends you a judgmental glare, and you flash her your canines in response.

Yoongi groans. “Do you have to be so gross all the time?”

“Do you?”

“You are such a child,” he scolds. “Come out to Roots tonight, I have a prospective job for you.”

Noting the change in his tone, you know that there isn’t room for you to argue, no matter how badly you want to collapse into bed and sleep for the next twelve hours. You merely grunt in response.

“Good. And dress nicely, will you? Don’t embarrass me.”

You make a sound of protest, but he’s already clicked off the call. You feel your face flush as you rush off the bus and onto the sidewalk. Nice? And what the hell does he mean, embarrass him!?

After making yourself some kimchi fried rice (and stowing some in a container to give to Yoongi), you hop into the shower and try to wash off your stress. You do the math in your head and realize that unless you find some other way to supplement your income, you’re going to burn through the last of the loan you took from your parents and you won’t be able to meet your rent.

You sigh as you dry your hair. You suppose that whatever Yoongi has in mind, you’ll just have to take it. You slip into a pair of torn black denims and an old, oversized Thrasher shirt, tie your hair into a high ponytail and slip into a pair of Vans, hoping that whatever it is won’t force you to sell anything you aren’t willing to part with, like your dignity.

You arrive at Roots, an underground dancehall club in the middle of the city, a little past 9PM. Sung Min, the bouncer, recognizes you and lets you into the club without a word, and you wink at him as the people waiting in line groan and complain loudly. It pays to have friends in the right places, you think as you elbow past the crowd to your usual table in the back, cordoned off by heavy black drapes.

Yoongi is already sitting in the center of the booth, sprawled out like the prince that he is, flocked, as usual, by Jin, the owner of the club, and Jimin. The nods at you as you join them, and almost automatically, a drink is placed in front of you.

Jimin grins and greets you enthusiastically, while Jin gives you a more subdued nod of his head in greeting. You can tell he’s already thinking of a corny dad joke to tell you. You smile at them and take a long sip of your drink.

“Long time no see, Y/N! What have you been up to?” Jimin starts.

You shrug. As kind as Yoongi’s music friends have always been to you, you find social interactions exhausting and you’re already wishing you were back at home. In the back of your mind, you make plans to do more digging for new samples when you get home, even as you reply to him.

“The usual,” you respond noncommittally.

Undeterred, Jimin flashes you a grin, and you wonder how so much sunshine can fit in a single person. “You look really nice!” he compliments, and you grimace, hiding your flush behind another sip of your drink.

“Let her be, Jimin,” Yoongi says, smirking at your discomfort. Jin excuses himself and disappears into the crowd, and you automatically take his seat on the couch next to your best friend, tiredly resting your head on his shoulder. Automatically, his arm wraps around you and you bask in the comfort that gives you for a few moments.

“So,” he begins.

You sigh. “What?”

“Shots?”

There’s a glint in his eye that lets you know he’s had a rough day, so as much as you want to decline, you give in to your best friend since childhood and merely groan. “Fine,” you relent. “It’s Friday anyway.”

As if on cue, Jin returns with a waiter in tow, who’s holding a bottle of expensive tequila and a tray of shot glasses, salt, and slices of lemon. “I bet I’ll have you all under the table by midnight,” he jokes.

The three of you let out a chorus of boos at him, yelling out your own bets. Surrounded by their efforts at cheering up both you and Yoongi, you start to relax for the first time in weeks. Twelve shot glasses filled to the brim despite there only being four of you, but you all rise automatically and raise one each in a toast.

“To good health!” Jin announces.

“To great love!” Jimin cheers, and you shake the feeling that he was looking directly at you when he says it.

“To better sex!” Yoongi says, making Jimin flush and Jin punch him in the arm playfully from across the table.

“To excellent friends!” you laugh, and each of you takes three shots consecutively. It’s going to be a fun night, you think, as the alcohol burns through you like a fever.

You take turns dancing with all the boys, even Jin as he awkwardly whips out the most ridiculous moves with you. Yoongi rants about his long day at the label as he spins you around the dance floor, the alcohol having loosened his tongue considerably.

He had been recruited by a big company the year after high school, thanks to his quickly spreading reputation as an underground rapper in your hometown. Being so young in the industry, a lot of executives had tried to take advantage of him, forcing him to mature a lot faster. His brutally honest and straight-forward personality had helped, and you like to think that him staying friends with you had kept him grounded. You were the only one left from his “old life” who still treated him like a normal person and knew him best out of anyone else, even the fellow artists that he now worked daily with. You both had a lot in common—reserved on the surface, but goofy and caring only to those who had earned your trust.

But because he was getting more and more popular by the day, he confessed that he was afraid he was growing harder and colder, and that he had been feeling more and more commodified, like aspects of his personality were being packaged and sold off. People copping his style, copying his flow. You shake your head and give him the advice he already knows but needs to hear. You remind him that he’s human, and that it’s normal to feel the way he does; to use his music as an outlet, to make the most of his platform to reach out to people who are feeling the same way. To share what makes him special and help other people find what works for them. “That’s your gift, after all,” you remind him, and he tugs affectionately on your ponytail in response.

Selfishly, you use his struggles to validate your own decisions. This is why you don’t want any part of the music industry, you tell yourself. You don’t belong in that world. A smaller voice in the back of your head tells you, because you aren’t strong enough to survive.

Feeling better, Yoongi slings his arm around you and you both make your way to the bar for more shots. Jin is behind it, talking to one of the bartenders, while Jimin is off to one side already being chatted up by a small group of girls. He gives you a small wave when he catches your eye, and you give him a smile in return.

Yoongi notices the exchange, and flashes you a knowing look. “He’s in love with you, you know,”

You snort, unladylike. “He doesn’t know me,”

He chortles. “True. If he knew you, he’d be running in the other direction,”

You give him a swift kick to the shin, and he grimaces and clutches it. “Yow! If you injure me, woman, you’ll have hell to pay!”

“Try me, shuga bakemono,”

Yoongi rolls his eyes. “Seriously though,” he says as he stumbles onto a barstool and massages his calf. “You should fix that before it goes too far,”

“What do you want me to do?” you ask miserably. “I don’t even know what he sees in me; I’m not that pretty.”

“You have gained weight since taking that office job,” he points out. “And you’re really bad at make-up and clothes.”

You snap your fingers sharply in front of his face. “Focus!”

He tilts his head at you, studying your frowning face. “You’re not that disgusting, I guess,” he finally allows. “But Jimin is soft. He’s one of the biggest marshmallows I know. I don’t want to see him hurt or disappointed.”

You sigh and take another shot. “Neither do I. He’s a cinnamon roll.” You glance at Jimin from the corner of your eye and admire the way the light catches in his eyes, the line of his jaw and the way his biceps tug at the fabric of his sleeves. You lick your lips and swallow the lump in your throat, shaking the image from your head. “But I have bigger problems.”

You take a seat on the barstool next to Yoongi and tell him about your current financial situation. “Which brings me to this: What job prospect were you talking about?”

Yoongi takes a deep swig of his beer (he’s the only person you know who can drink liquor and beer without getting sick), and unexpectedly takes your hand in his, lacing his fingers with yours. He only does so when he’s about to give you bad news, so you hold your breath and steel yourself for whatever he has to say.

“How badly do you want a well-paying job?” he asks. You simply blink at him, and he rolls his eyes. “Okay, wrong question. Would you take a well-paying job even if it’s in the music industry?”

You try to pull your hand out of his, but his grip is too strong. You glare at him, seething. “Yoongi, you know that I can’t-”

He presses a finger to your lips to stop your rant before you get too carried away. “Hush, Y/N. I don’t mean as an artist.” Even though you’re more than talented enough, he says with his eyes. “They’re bringing a new rapper in and apparently, part of his contract is a personal assistant. He’ll be in the city for the next six months recording his debut, and he wants someone local to help him acclimate or something.”

He moves his hand to your cheek once he’s sure that you aren’t going to have a meltdown at the prospect. “It will pay more than enough for you to be able to stay in your shitty apartment, pay your parents back, and maybe even buy that controller you’ve always wanted.”

You bite your lip, considering the possibilities of a decent paycheck, even if it’s just for a couple of months. Your eyes meet his, and you know that you can trust him not to put you in a difficult situation. He’s always wanted what’s best for you, and you would trust him with your life.

“And Jimin?” you prompt. He flashes you a quizzical look, and you lean a little bit more into the hand on your face for comfort. “Does he think this is a good idea? Can he vouch for this new guy and tell me that he isn’t an asshole?”

“He’s all for whatever brings you to the studios more often,” Yoongi responds dryly. “But as far as I can tell, the new guy is around our age-” Young, you translate in your head. “-and he’s all business. Director Bang was saying that he comes across pretty cold and aloof, comes from a well-off background, so I don’t think he’ll be difficult to deal with.”

You keep chewing on your lip, considering all the pros and cons to the situation, but a slow smile spreads across Yoongi’s face as he watches you. You sigh, defeated. You both knew you would say yes, if only for the money. “Fine,” you agree uselessly. “I’ll do it.”

He pinches your cheek. “Atta girl.”

“See, this is why people always mistake you two for a couple,” Jin points out, an eyebrow raised at your intertwined hands and Yoongi’s hand on your face.

The other boy flushes and pushes you away brusquely. “Gross,” he mumbles as you cackle.

“Oh, c’mon Yoongi! This is the perfect time to confess!” you goad him.

Jin hides his smirk behind his glass as he takes a sip. “Yeah, Yoongi, anything to want to tell us about your feelings for Y/N?”

“Disgust. Apathy. Nausea.” the older boy deadpans, leaning forward and swiping the drink from Jin’s hand and downing it in one gulp. “Can we go now? I’m hungry.”

“We can go to that barbeque place you like,” Jin suggests.

“What about Jimin?” Yoongi asks.

Jin glances at their friend, who has already been pulled onto the dancefloor by the group of girls he’d met at the bar. “I think he’ll be fine tonight.” He signals one of the waiters to tell Jimin where they went just in case, and leaves a bottle for him and his new friends before the three of you set out.

“By the way,” you say thirty minutes later as you dig into your midnight meal. “What’s the guy’s name?”

Yoongi stops shoving food into his mouth long enough to answer you. “Kim Namjoon.”

To Be Continued

[mgahunahuna]

Entry #1: The Art of Emotions

PART 1: Inside Out

What we feel is a result of our emotions. Inside Out delved into the world of emotions and how they affect daily life – decisions, actions, and words. We were shown the complexity and range of emotions one can feel. This is especially true for humans, as there is no one principal emotion, and what we feel is a result of the fusion of the other existing emotions. The film tries to portray a very important message that opens our minds to the art of feeling – that being contented with life is not only about being happy, but instead, it is about exploring the full extent of what we can feel.

One instance in the film that was evident to me was that Joy was regarded as the main emotion. The other four emotions looked to her for advice and asked her what to do when something went wrong. This may be related to how for children, what matters to them most is being happy. At least, this is true for me and my childhood. Happiness for them is getting a toy they’ve always wanted, or receiving a gift from a relative or friend. Joy was at the center of Riley’s emotions, and it was her task to maintain her cheerful childhood. In contrast, Sadness seemed like she had no purpose. Joy expressed control over her, and asked her to be more positive about outcomes. Sadness would give in to Joy’s demands, even though this is not who she was. Sadness is not Joy, and Joy is not Sadness. The existence of different emotions tells us that humans do not only experience one emotion, but instead, a range of emotions. They serve different purposes, and it was clear from the moment that Riley was asked to introduce herself to her new classmates that Joy was not the appropriate emotion to deal with the situation.

While Joy and Sadness were away from Headquarters, their journey in long-term memory resulted in their reunion with Riley’s imaginary friend, Bing Bong, whom Riley no longer found relevant to her life. Sadness and Bing Bong shared a significant scene in the film. Since Bing Bong felt abandoned and worthless to Riley after growing up, the sight of seeing Joy and Sadness sparked a hidden feeling within him. This resulted to Bing Bong crying on Sadness’ shoulder, and Sadness giving him comfort when he needed it the most. This scene shows that people have within them hidden pain and suffering, which they refuse to show, for the sake of being happy. Some would rather put on a show than finding a solution to their problems. Others would put on a fake smile and call it a day. What Sadness offered Bing Bong was not words of comfort or advice, it was the act of consoling him in a time where he was most confused and upset. People will never be absolutely happy. There will always be parts of us where we experience doubt and contempt, but it is knowing how to navigate through these feelings that matters in the end.

In terms of emotions in relation to the people around us, looking closely, in the scene where Bing Bong and Joy were trapped in the Memory Dump, Joy was looking through the core memories in desperation. She stumbled across a sad core memory, where Riley was sitting on a tree branch alone, because of a game she lost. But this core memory turned happy after Riley’s parents consoled her and encouraged her. This is where a grand realization was made. Sadness is not without purpose. She serves a significant role. That in time of great despair and doubt, Sadness is there to create empathy in the people around her. When one is sad, you show a great deal of emotion that the people around you can use as a cue or signal that help is necessitated. It is this empathy that creates and strengthens relationships between people. It is this empathy that drives understanding in times of conflict. Sadness may not be the one who leads Riley into a positive attitude, but Sadness is a cause of Riley’s positivity. Joy and Sadness complement each other, and both are needed to create fulfilling experiences. After all, even if our emotions are the ones that drive us to do certain things, the existence of societal influences around us will also affect the way these emotions work.

PART II: Myself and Others

One of the grand realizations I made about myself this week is that, unfortunately, I place too much of my self-worth in the hands of other people. Quite frankly, my worth as a person has become dependent on the actions of others and how they treat me. Currently, I am involved in a very much unclear and undefined mutual understanding with another person. This is relevant because as of the moment, I seem to be more invested in this relationship (if you can even call it that). This means that, consequently, I have become quite sensitive to little, supposedly irrelevant things. For example, if I don’t get a reply to a message right away, I start questioning if I’m even a priority. Or a simple change in tone in a conversation leads me to the conclusion that the other person has completely lost interest in me, probably because I’m boring, a waste of time, or both. This has not only caused me to overthink quite a lot, but how this person treats me has become the standard for my self-worth. I realized that I seek validation from other people since I cannot provide that validation for myself. This is a product of my continuous self-loathing in the past, and it’s been quite difficult to escape to say the least.

But moreover, I have also learned that my idealized version of other people will not always come to fruition. Other people will let me down sometimes, and that’s just reality. Sometimes, people will disregard your feelings for the sake of theirs. This isn’t necessarily selfish in essence, as some people are just built to operate this way. In order to maximize their happiness, they eventually leave out the people that actually care for them and instead shift their focus onto people that they want to care for them. Other people do not exist for me, they exist for themselves. 

If I’m being completely honest, it was quite difficult to accept these realizations. Precisely because it does hit so close to my heart. I haven’t been in a mutual understanding sort of relationship with another person in quite some time. This one especially is quite unexpected, to say the least. But no matter how much I care about other people, I cannot let their perceptions of my being deter me from achieving what I want to achieve for myself – may that be increased self-confidence or what not. My life would be so much less complicated if I didn’t let myself cave into what I think other people think of me. My self-worth should not be determined by other people but instead it should be determined by me. I am an individual with passions, skills, and dreams just like everyone else. I am no less than another. I will say, however, that is is difficult to believe this. But I realize I will have to keep repeating this to myself until I do believe it.

I also realize that I have to ask myself the right questions. Instead of “What will other people I think?”, I should be asking myself “What decisions will make me most happy?”. Perspective truly matters. I don’t exist to please other people. I should learn to value myself for who I truly am. If other people do not value me, this shouldn’t be too much of a problem. After all, I already value myself. It does sound scary, but it’s definitely less toxic.

But furthermore, I cannot continue to set perceived expectations for people because they will act how they want regardless of my feelings. If I do continue to do that, I will just set myself up for disappointment if things don’t go my way. I wish I weren’t in such complicated situations. But since I am already in them, I might as well just have to learn how to navigate through them. It’s been a struggle to say the least, but at least I’m getting by. We’ll see where this goes eventually, but for now, I just wish I have the strength and energy to carry on. Best of luck to me.

[buddaimond]

Kristen Stewart talks fashion, fears, text etiquette - and 'Personal Shopper

by Fiona Williams 18 Apr 2017 Q: With Personal Shopper you give us an insight into that rarefied world of high fashion, and how it works.

There are a very, very small group of people who actually go and shop at Chanel showrooms and those people are the real “other worldly” wealthy people. It’s couture, it’s delicate, handcrafted, really precious one of a kind works of art so you are investing in an artform when you go and buy their stuff.

Chanel does stand separately from most of the others - they are an independently owned company, still, which is the last of the luxury brands. And you feel that. There is a genuine, very compulsive faithfulness to aesthetic and care for that aesthetic. They really do stand apart from the people who do it for farcical reasons. A lot of people want to look like they appreciate an aesthetic and beauty but… Some people look at a sunset and it brings them to tears. Some people don’t look twice. It’s a really human spiritual thing to be moved by an image. So within fashion, those people really stick out because those who don’t have it are there because they want to be popular, they want attention. They want to be looked at in a certain way and it validates them in some way to be looked at. That’s actually very empty. It’s just really easy to tell the difference between the two.

Q: You’re back working with Olivier again. How was it different this time? How did you build on what you’d learned about each other from Sils Maria?

The roles are very different, for one thing. Olivier and I have a great relationship because we really ‘see’ each other. I feel like he really understands me and I don’t really have to explain myself to him. We usually agree. There’s a great, real friendship and a closeness that provides a trust that, like, just puts you in the perfect position to explore a difficult subject and always feel like you’re going to be caught by this safety net if you ever really, truly, fall too hard. And that only got deeper on the second go around.

Also just by nature of the movie, it’s so much more sad and you know, Sils Maria was bittersweet and a little bit tumultuous between those two characters, and there was pain in that, but it wasn’t as deep and as fundamental as the pain in this movie. It didn’t bring into question things that don’t have answers and that’s what this movie is about. It’s really about finding peace in not knowing where we’re going to end up and who are are and whether or not our reality is just our perception or whether it’s something that we share. We’re never going to know that. But it’s worth asking the question. It’s worth being aware of it. For both of us, we found that you need to be so raw in order to address those things. We’re just so close now. We’ve been through so much together now that we have those footholds to base a relationship off of, and we’ll only go deeper.

Q: What was it like to have an iPhone as your co-star in so many scenes? How did you approach that and try to make those scenes interesting?

Oh God, what you can project onto an iPhone and into messages from somebody can sometimes be so one-sided! I was basically playing with my own version of myself. Also I felt like anytime there was going to be a close-up or an insert of the messages, it should feel like a close-up of me. You should feel the tension in my hands. You should feel every typo. Every choice in punctuation should speak volumes, because it is a new language that we’ve all sort of written ourselves. You have a different text voice, whether you capitalise something. Or put a period on it, or put a lot of spaces in between something, it says a lot! This is this sort of new language that’s interesting. That... [motions texting, with intensity]... I mean… [laughs]

Q: Are you a big texter? Ever feel like you need a digital detox?

I’m not constantly reaching for my phone. I have a personal Instagram that allows me to stay connected to people that I don’t see on a regular basis, but I don’t have social media, I don’t have this heavy phone addiction. So I’ve never had to detox from it. There are times I find myself reaching for my phone for no reason and I just literally, go, ‘What are you looking for? Nothing!’. When i notice myself doing that, I realise that i’m actually just bored and that I should occupy my time with something else.

Q: What did you think about the ghost story aspect of the film?

When I read the script, I kind of missed the fact that it was a ghost story, because my character, the way she was written, wasn’t that afraid. There was such fervent curiosity that drove her towards the ghosts that I didn’t find them scary in the script. I thought that there was just like a need for questions to be answered, and that need overpowered any fear-based impulse. Then when we got to make the movie... the unknown is terrifying and I don’t care who you are. That was much more theoretical, that idea of not being afraid. It was something that i could implicate conceptually, but literally, on the day, nobody could face those things and not be literally, physically, shaken by it because it’s like, I mean it is scary! It’s really scary. It’s just that while I was reading it, I didn’t realise that it was such a - quote-unquote - horror movie.

He really goes for some effective scares

I know, right?! But to be honest, I still find the scarier parts of that movie are when you can see someone suddenly aware of the fact that we’ll never know where we are or who we are necessarily. Those moments where Maureen starts reeling, and things become incredibly uncertain? Those are debilitating, anxiety-inducing, physically stifling thoughts. I know that feeling. I was like, ‘God, I’m so happy I’m not in one of those places, I’m so happy that I’m not um, in that right now’. Because I’ve had moments like that where I’ve been racked with absolute physical manifestations of anxiety, and it was just like, the only way to get out of that is to go for a run or to physically get yourself moving and really exert your physicality and get yourself out of your brain. Because you’re never going to find the answer. Again, it’s finding peace in the not knowing and finding an appreciation for whatever it is that connects us, and i know it is something invisible, it’s worthwhile because it makes you feel less alone. And that’s really what we’re all hoping to do anyway.

Q: On the subject of physicality, I notice you’ve made Maureen intensely tactile. She’s always gripping at belts, and scrunching up these beautiful pieces of jewellery as she inspects them. How did you work that in as a Maureen mannerism? Why does she do that?

I think Maureen’s attracted to things that she’s ashamed to be attracted to. So she’s aggressive with them. These really delicate necklaces, she’s so taken by them but she’s feeling guilty about it, so she almost wants to harm them. Do you know what i mean?

Not personally, but sure.

Because she’s not the most self-assured person and she has so many aspects of herself that don’t typically go together, finding a balance in that is kind of the struggle of the movie. There’s one side of her that’s purely animalistic and very feminine and really just embodies... She’s like a tigress. She’s like a really sensual, immediate, impulsive animal, but there are also other times where she’s so moored by thought and those defences go up immediately. And those defences are very hard and very masculine and androgynous because she misses her brother. She’s half a person and she’s trying to emulate him. It’s like there was a strength that he had that she doesn’t have without him, and she’s trying to do an impression of him in order to feel strong and it’s just not her. It’s sad to watch that kind of thing, it’s clearly just somebody that’s trying to hide.

Q: You’ve played a lot of celebrity assistant roles lately, with this, Sils Maria, and also recently, in the Woody Allen film. Are you referencing relationships that you have with people who work with you?

Yeah, it’s funny role reversal. I know that job inside out. But I don’t have a personal shopper. That’s not a very common job. [Grabs at blazer] These clothes that we wear to press conferences and red carpets and stuff, they’re all lent to us. I don’t have people going out and buying opulent elaborate pieces for me for my own collection, it’s an interaction with that artform which is temporary and within the context of promoting a movie.

Q: Some celebrities seem to use fashion as an escape, or a bit of armour, for want of a better word. You seem really connected to the clothes you wear, though.

Absolutely, I think when clothes really can do their job, they’re the opposite of armour, they can make you feel like you don’t want to hide, and you’re the true version of yourself in the right outfit.

Some people don’t have much interest in it, and some people don’t have very defined taste. A lot of actors really just don’t care, so they hire people that do, to help them. But me? I really like it. The reason I’m not ashamed of that is because it’s coming from a really true place. I don’t find it to be superficial at all. I think that when I put on the right garment I feel like a truer version of myself. I feel there are stories to tell with clothes, and when you find people that feel the same way, it’s really fun to work with them.

I think it’s pretty obvious when there’s the opposite of that - it’s obvious when people are drawn to that world because they want attention. I don’t want to look good because I want everyone to stare at me; I want to look good because I want to feel like myself. It’s about feeling like you, and clothes can help you achieve that.

http://www.sbs.com.au/movies/article/2017/04/17/kristen-stewart-talks-fashion-fears-text-etiquette-and-personal-shopper

Follow the author here.

[dxmedstudent]

I recently had my interview for medical school and one of the interviewers had asked me what I could bring to the table. I was really stumped by this question because I really had no answer. I mean all of the students waiting outside came in with higher GPAs than I did, had research experiences, etc. I know I'd be ecstatic if I do get an offer but I'm also worried that I may have nothing to offer. Have you ever felt like this? Like you wouldn't be an asset to the profession but maybe a pullback?

Hello, thank you for your ask. I can see why you were stumped; it’s a tough question! Sometimes questions are meant to make us pause for a second; they like to throw in something that makes you think on your feet. The key to this question is to recognise that you have positive qualities, regardless of what all the other applicants are like. They aren’t asking about them, but about you. So your answer should be entirely focused on the good things about yourself, as if those other applicants didn’t exist. You do have things to offer, even if you’re not the best student in the world. To be honest, I’ve known some very smart people who would make absolutely dreadful doctors when it comes to dealing with actual people (and, quelle surprise, if they end up in medicine they usually peel off into things like radioligy or research), and I’ve known some amazing people who, on paper didn’t seem exceptional, but are absolutely amazing when it comes to actually doing the job. And I know some people who didn’t get into medicine who would have made good doctors, in my opinion. But they chose to do something else, and found something else they love and are good at. The key here is that performance at interview doesn’t define how good or not good at medicine you’d be! And even the people who get into medicine and aren’t great at the patient/communication front are still perfectly capable when placed in a speciality where they could use what they were good at (usually their analytical skills). I’m absolutely certain that whatever your strengths and weaknesses, there could be a few specialities in medicine in which you would be an asset. That’s true for all of us, I think. It’s just that our own strengths and weaknesses dictate where we would be best. Interviews, job applications etc only look at one facet of who you are, and are built purely to make it easier for interviewers to skim off a subset. They can’t give a full, complete picture of who you are, and if, like most of us, your best sides aren’t easily put across in a 10 minute interview, then you have to work hard to find a way to mention the positive things about you and put across that you deserve a place. If you read the books about interview questions (highly recommended; they helped me a lot), you see that any question can be broken down as a way to sell your qualities. You can pick a situation or example of why you are good, and flesh out exactly what qualities that developed in you. For example, the question of what you bring to the table could mean things like:Academicqualities:

regardless of what GPAs the others have, yours must be decent if you are applying; it’s perfectly true to say that you are bringing academic excellence to the table, because you don’t have to be the best to be good.

perhaps you really really enjoyed your related studies and are bringing a lot of enthusiasm to the table

your unique set of subjects has taught you things you can carry forward. Sciences? Self-explanatory. Arts? teaches you a LOT about the human condition. IT? doctors work with a wide range of computer systems and technologies.

You are hard-working to get this far. This is a perfectly valid quality to raise.

perhaps you are organised.

It may be cheesy to say it, but it is totally acceptable to cite your genuine passion for medicine as something you bring to the table. I know it’s not always considered cool to geek out over things, but they really do want to see your enthusiasm for medicine.

Personal qualities:

maybe you’re the friend who always looks after others

you might be the friend who always knows something is up, and is really empathetic and in tune with others.

perhaps you’re an excellent team player

perhaps you try to bring humor into things and boost team morale

perhaps you feel things deeply and genuinely want to help people

Perhaps you’ve seen first hand what good or bad medical practice can do, and want to be the change you want to see in the world.

perhaps you engage heavily in running societies and are good at making things happen and enacting change in your fellow students. You could raise charity money for your university, become soc president or even run audits or research or school papers etc.

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but to show that the examples don’t have to centre on getting prizes or having the top grade. And it should have nothing to do with what other students are like. The aim of an interview isn’t to test your CV (they already thought it was good enough by bringing you there at all) but to see how good you are at talking about what you’ve done, what qualities you have etc. They want you to persuade them that you have the qualities they want in a doctor. And all you need to do is think of what those qualities are, and whether/how you embody them, and then think up examples from school, voluntary jobs, projects, etc that support that. If you aren’t sure what those qualities are, Google the GMC’s Tomorrow’s doctors’ document. That’s UK specific, but I don’t doubt that US med schools are looking for something similar. This isn’t about lying about who you are, but about thinking how you can phrase things to focus on the qualities you have which are an asset (and many of them are). I remember going to med school interviews and thinking that I must be one of the worst students there. And the first time I went, I was a weaker applicant in some ways. It’s scary because when you hang out on the usual wannabe med student forums you see some pretty intense, over-qualified applicants who it was hard not to feel insecure in comparison to. But there isn’t just one place in med schools; although we are all competing against each other, it’s not a fight to the death for one solitary place! It took practice to learn to focus on what I can offer, rather than thinking about how my application was worse than others. If you don’t get in, you can think about how you can improve your application further, but for this round, think about preparing answers for common questions that focus on the good qualities you have, rather than worrying about what anyone else may have.  Incidentally, I too went to an interview recently; for the next leg of my training. And it’s not easy; it’s still a tough job to sell yourself as an employee. Especially when everyone else also applying is smart, has the same kind of experience and plenty of knowledge. There’s sometimes not a lot between you and all the other applicants; you are all good. Before and even after my interview, all the applicants were sitting around, joking, sharing stories; there was a real cameraderie in the room, and they felt just like people I could work with and be friends with. They felt like everyone else I know.  And that just reminded me that I have as much right as any of them to be there. And if you’ve gotten this far, I’m sure that’s true of you as well.

[stonedlennon]

You're writing is excellent! I love the romantic, expressive style. I was thinking about starting to write fan fiction myself, but I've never really done so (minus one crack fic for a friend and a treasure chest full of hand-written Indiana Jones stories from the fifth grade) and I'm shy about sharing my writing. Any advice?

hello, lovely! so i sent you a private message a while ago asking if it was okay to publish this question, because i think it’s a really thought provoking one, but i’ve not heard back so i’m just going to go ahead and have a chat! if at any point you’d prefer that we talk in private, just let me know!

so i’ll tackle this in bullet point form, just because it’s easier to get my thoughts in order, so here goes!

just do it. which may seem ridiculous, especially if you are shy about your writing or you’re unsure about your interpretation, or it feels like there are so many authors around, and how could what i have to write possibly contribute in any way? the answer is really very simple. just go for it. the thing is with writing is - like most if not all creative arts - the act itself is private, but the end product is public. unless you describe or detail every moment of the writing process, people will only ever know how you struggled over a single line or how you thought about this great metaphor or how you tried to incorporate this tiny detail……. and this is both a blessing and a curse. in terms of fan fiction, it can be a great tactic to focus on the end product as contributing to a larger body of work (i.e. the fandom’s fan fiction), and the writing of it as a process that is helping you personally develop as an author and a creative being. 

write what you want to read. i can really never, ever say this enough. if that means that you write another paris fic, or another first meeting fic - whatever, just go for it! you want to read it? do it! but if you have a wild AU idea, or an unusual oneshot in mind….. i highly recommend you just take it and run and see where it takes you. there is nothing more wonderful than being able to, 1. write something you are genuinely passionate about; and 2. to see other people react with equal passion. i have been in previous fandoms where people have come up with the most left field ideas that have rapidly become fandom classics - simply because they were the first people to think of the idea, and not only that, but to actually sit down and write it! when you are engaged with what you’re producing, it makes sitting down and writing a joy and not a task. which brings me to…

taking time to write. this happens differently for everyone. i can detail my own process, if that helps. i have made writing part of my every day routine. by this i mean that i am so used to sitting down and writing of an evening (my peak creative period, especially for the ~aesthetic of my work) that it feels weird when i’m not doing it. if for whatever reason (real life, uni shit, social obligations) i don’t have time/energy to write, i’ll substitute it by coming up with a new scene idea and jotting it down, or thinking about a tricky plot/character point as i go about my daily life. this way i remain engaged with what i’m writing, i’m using my free/busy time as effectively as possible, and when i sit down to write, because i’ve got 647643 ideas in mind, it’s just a matter of simply getting it down on the word doc! this will be different for you, and that’s good. the important thing is that you find what works, you stick to it, and you just push it as far as it can go.

demystify the process. writing is not some miraculous, sacred, all-consuming THING that must be bowed down to OR ELSE!!! it’s just writing. it’s just fic. that’s it. the sooner you get rid of the following issues, the easier the process will be. these are: 

it does not have to be perfect. in fact, it won’t ever be perfect! probably 50-60% of you write will be utter rubbish. some will be halfway decent (this will become the backbone of the final draft) - and the rest is golden, do not touch, this line is gorgeous. just accept that some things will be good, some bad, and some in between - and this is all okay! this is all brilliant! embrace it! what fun would there be if everything just came out without any revision?

it is a learning process. you are learning. unless you are a published author, or you are doing a writing degree or course, you’re learning. this is excellent. because what comes to you naturally will be honest and raw. let yourself enjoy the journey, the uncovering of the mystery, of what you’re capable of. just enjoy it. writing is a calming, expressive, fun, wonderful thing to do. when you start to publish fic rapidly, you will learn more quickly. you’ll figure out what works and you’ll figure out what bad habits you form. (* side note: i have figured out a bad habit of mine that i can tell you about if you like - it’s something i’m VERY AWARE OF but i’m pretty sure that once i mention it, you won’t know what i’m talking about). but you’ll never get to this stage unless you are writing in the first place!

nothing or no one starts out as well known/famous/whatever. i’m not saying that receiving accolades for your work isn’t wonderful - god knows i’m a slave for validation! but part of figuring out why you want to write is also about figuring out who and why you’re writing for. is it for an end goal? a friend? yourself? do you want to practice writing? want to be the next big fandom hit? want some downtime as you work on wip novel? figure it out and go from there. nothing is wrong or better than the other - it’s all about what you want to get out of the process. once you make fan fic a productive, enjoyable thing, it will be easier, and once it’s easy, it will simply come from you with little to no coaxing. that timeline will vary from person to person, and this is good and natural. 

WRITING IS NOT ABOUT BEING PERFECT. this!!! really bears repeating!!!!!! if it was perfect, why bother? if it’s easy, what’s the point? once you put work out there and get people reading and talking about your writing, you are contributing to your own process. you are learning what you can improve on, what works, what is your signature style. the public/personal interaction happens in conjunction with one another. so you will learn new things even as your readers pick up on stuff, and vice versa: someone may tell you things you hadn’t realized before, which leads you to reflect on just how you got to that point… it’s all organic. it’s slow. it just happens and you should enjoy it.

have fun! writing is about having fun. it’s about writing something you’re passionate about. it’s about sharing what you feel with other people. it’s a wonderful process that isn’t scary, impossible, or hard. it only feels difficult because of fandom/life’s obsession with being perfect. but when you spend too much time worrying about 1. what other people think, or 2. if it’s “up to standard”, you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face. you’re worrying instead of doing. publishing is a very daunting process. i know - it is. you’ll spend time refreshing the chapter, seeing the hit counter stay the same. you’ll have a conniption every time someone comments. or leaves kudos. even when it’s like “great work” you’re like A REAL LIFE PERSON THINKS THIS IS GREAT WORK. i’m not going to lie about any of this: i’m notoriously neurotic about the publishing/reception of my work. but i also write because i genuinely, deep down just love it. writing makes me so happy. it takes my mind off things. it is my way of expressing myself. i find myself writing almost all the time - sentences get stuck in my mind or i’ll think of a plot idea or a reason for a character doing xyz - that i have to rush to make a note of it. all the time i’m learning. and when people pick up on things or make a comment about something i thought only i’d get… that’s pretty damn special. that makes it worth it.

so really what i’m saying is that you’ll only know unless you try. i would so encourage and support you to go ahead and write a piece of work and publish it! you may very well surprise yourself. and that’s really quite a fantastic feeling to have.

[lauraramargosian]

Positive Celebrity Exclusive: Dezi Barr raising awareness with her film VAL! 

Positive Celebrity Exclusive: Dezi Barr raising awareness with her film VAL!

VAL a Dezi Barr Film

The short film, VAL, is a powerful inside look into the life of a young, essentially single-mother, during incredibly trying times. The film, written and produced by Dezi Barr, is easy to get sucked into. It’s raw and brutally honest, as it explores difficult topics that are not discussed nearly enough. Based on her own experiences, Dezi hopes for the film to raise awareness of the reality of rape, abuse, and mental illness.

VAL stars some of Utah’s best including, Brandon Grundy, Avery Pizzuto, Frits Tessers and more!

It takes a lot of courage and creativity to broach these sensitive topics well, but VAL does an excellent job of addressing them. We asked Dezi what drove her to write VAL.

“Good question. Being somebody that always talks about self-expression and being courageous, I knew that when it came time to write VAL, it had better be a film dedicated to using film as means to rip some band-aids off old wounds, in exchange, to hopefully encourage others to do the same. It doesn’t matter whether you are as raw and unfiltered as VAL is. What’s important is you tell your story, in your own way, for others to hear. Because your story will resonate with someone, and to be understood and heard is a catalyst for healing.”

Beautifully put. Many face some or all of the struggles VAL touches on. Even I can connect in a way with my past. Writing a script, and especially a script covering such tough subjects can be intense. We asked how Dezi approached writing VAL.

“Whenever (for me) I am writing something emotionally taxing, it takes a lot out of me. How was the writing process for me on such an intense and meaningful film? It was a unique experience that probably won’t happen again. Being honest, open and vulnerable with all eyes on you is scary. It felt like everyone who’s been a victim was watching me type – delete – retype. It was both energizing and exhausting. Everything written needed to speak my truth and honor victims as well as the cast and crew involved. The pressure I put on myself and the project was taxing, but worth it. 100%.”

After the screening we were invited to participate in, during a short panel with Dezi, someone in the audience brought up the question of what happened in the life of the abuser in the story that made him who he was, and influenced his vicious and abusive behavior. What in his past drove him into rape and violence?! This explores another side of the film. We were curious about Dezi’s thoughts.

“Mmmmm. Yeah. The man who asked that question was a scary man to me until that moment. It took everything I had not to cry and go hug him. It was very important to validate that, and openly so. He is right, and I think I’ve always had some sympathy for the perpetrator. That sympathy never excuses the behavior. They’re humans who were maybe once a victim themselves. Studies have shown that victims most likely victimize in some way (not always, and not always in the same way). The answer is: What Happens To A Person To Make Them Abusive, In Anyway? We need to start there. Entitlement? Environment? Privilege? Anger? Revenge? Victimization? What??? YES! Let’s ask these questions AND meet them head-on with an open heart and mind while not forgetting the victims. My hat is off to that man who asked. He shed a wound that evening. Proud of you, B.”

We also asked what Dezi hopes viewers are learning from watching VAL.

“As to your second question, understanding. People need to be heard and understood. The ONLY way that happens is if WE are listening to understand.”

Listening is such an important part of good communication. It’s vital. It’s all too common for people to pour their heart out, only for it to fall on seemingly deaf, or unempathetic ears. This makes healing difficult, if not impossible. By starting a conversation and spreading awareness of the suffering and abuse many silently face, we can help share the burden, and begin healing as a society and as victims.

Many women (and men) who are in abusive relationships stay with their abuser because of their fear of the unknown, and because they don’t realize that help and a better life exist beyond their abuse. We asked Dezi her thoughts and feelings on his subject.

“Boy. That hits me hard, as I’m sure it does others. How does that make me feel? Honestly? Sick. It’s a vicious cycle until the victim decides to no longer participate. I get it though. I would have, in the past, rather been with an asshole and KNOW his demons, than have been with someone who seems nice, but turns on you without notice. As for now, I would rather be alone than be with the devil. I know where he lurks, I know his signs. That is all I need to know.”

According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, it’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship.

“Leaving is often the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse, because abuse is about power and control. When a victim leaves, they are taking control and threatening the abusive partner’s power, which could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in very destructive ways.”

And there are plenty of reasons people don’t leave, That may include a belief that abuse is normal, fear of being outed, embarrassment or shamed, cultural or religious reasons, lack of money or even disability.

Positive Celebrity Exclusive: Joseph O’Brien talks about AGT, music and his childhood! 

Dezi shared with us a little about the success and goals of VAL.

“At first, it was to be seen by as many people as possible. I submitted to many, many festivals, but it hasn’t been accepted into any but two. I didn’t care about winning an award. The goal was to get eyes on it. So, now the goal is to get eyes on it

Once the festival run is through, I’ll submit the script and trailer to other fests to hopefully gain interest and get feedback. Someone mentioned that I should tour with VAL, to ignite conversations much like that at Channel 801. Not sure what I think about that idea yet in terms of timing.”

We think that’s a great goal. Getting eyes on such an important film matters. It will help spark a conversation that will bring about change.

During the Q&A for the screening, one member of the audience mentioned how, even having never been in such a situation, VAL helped him better understand and feel “very empathetic and open to people’s hearts.” Dezi shared how it made her feel to hear that.

“Relieved. Validated. Cathartic. Moved. It’s working.”

Actors and actresses have to translate what they see on the script into an emotional and grabbing performance. There are times an actor or actress has a hard time going through with emotional scenes because when you act, you commit. You become that character for a short period of time. We wanted to know how the cast did on VAL during emotional and difficult scenes.

“The actors were phenomenal! It was far from easy on anyone that was on set. It took a lot out of everyone emotionally and physically. I had two child welfare crew members on set, one for the actress playing VAL and one for the baby, and another on standby for Avery (VAL). I set aside funds to pay for therapy to ensure everyone stayed intact during and afterwards. The offer will remain indefinitely.”

That’s great! It’s not easy to assume those roles, even for a moment. Right now, in the world, there are many people struggling with similar situations. Whether it be emotional abuse, physical abuse or mental illness, it’s happening. We wanted to know what Dezi would tell someone going through these struggles.

“Talk. Talk to anyone who will listen. Leave. The scariest thing to a perpetrator is someone who won’t back down, because that means they have no control over you. Try to put the protections you can in place and leave without delay. Lastly, get. It. OUT! Express it in ANY healthy way possible. Therapists work! The more you hold it in, the harder life is.”

We then asked if there are any specific charities Dezi would recommend for those dealing with rape, abuse or mental health struggles.

“Several. UCASA, RAIIN, Joyful Heart, PAVE and SO many more. There’s a Women’s Conference in Dallas in April each year. You can get sponsored to participate, and it would be of great benefit. If you are local to Utah, UCASA has active events around the clock.”

The film was very powerful and brilliantly shot. We asked what camera was used.

“We shot on a Blackmagic Pocket and Cinema camera with Veydra lenses. We love Veydras!”

We asked what Dezi thought was the most “cathartic” moment in VAL.

“Someone asked me that once, and it isn’t a simple answer. It comes in waves. It was cathartic while writing, then producing, then dicerting and now while screening it with Q&A. The most? Mmm. Q&A sessions when I get others’ perspectives, and when people ‘get it’.”

We then asked if Dezi felt any degree of healing from her past while writing VAL.

“I feel like when I write, it’s pretty therapeutic. Especially when you turn your past struggles into art. Not sure? It felt like I held my breath until after the cast and crew screening. It’s triggering to me, and find I giggle at little mistakes. It helps to keep the river of emotions at bay, because if I’m not together, others won’t feel like they can talk about it and ask questions. Everyone needs to feel comfortable and be able to share.”

We followed that up by asking if Dezi is working on other projects we can look forward to.

“What a nice transitional question!! YES! Just finished producing and directing a cooking show. Packaging a few features, one of which is mine. Producing/directing a documentary, and we just opened up a small film studio for our local community. Lots of schtuff is cooking. We’ll see what begins to smoke first ;)”

To conclude, we asked what Dezi would like to share with you, our readers.

“It’s ok to not be ok. Tell your story. Don’t let anyone determine your future, especially if one of those people is you, getting in your own way. Don’t stop learning and growing. Love, because you deserve the absence of bitterness.”

  Meet Dezi Barr:

Meet Dezi Barr

Dezi Barr is a producer in Salt Lake City, Utah, USA. She is motivated to help talented filmmakers give voice to their stories. She has worked on several films, most of which went on to win awards. Dezi was born and raised in Missouri, family brought her to Salt Lake and that is when she became interested in Film.

Be sure to check out her Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram!

        The post Positive Celebrity Exclusive: Dezi Barr raising awareness with her film VAL!  appeared first on Positive Celebrity News and Gossip.

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The Notorious Ali Doom is Socals premiere burlesque, body positive, animal loving bio queen. You can catch Ali hosting "The Garter Lounge" at 340 Club and co-hosting "Whore Haus" at Redline in DTLA.

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FULL INTERVIEW ALSO AVAILABLE UNDER THE CUT!

1. Who is Ali Doom?

Ali Doom is all about body positivity, animal activism, glamour and stiff drinks.  She's not afraid to show too much skin.  She loves to wear tons of makeup.  She loves to go thrifting even if she doesn't make a purchase.  She loves to try to turn you on.  She loves shaking what God and Del Taco gave her.  She's a nudist and a sadist.  She loves brunch dates and 32oz Diet Cokes.

2. When and why did you begin doing drag? 

I started my performance career in 2009 but I was doing burlesque.  I loved it though.  I loved making my own outfits and coming up with new acts, etc.  There was always something missing though.  A lot of showgirls just wear the cat eyeliner and red, bold lip which isn't bad but I wanted more.  I wanted to be over the top.  That's when I discovered drag.  I saw RPDR on TV and I was immediately intrigued and that's what I wanted to be like, a drag queen.  They had big hair, big costumes, big personas.  That's what I wanted. So, that was in 2012, when I got into the whole drag scene and I remember I would go to drag shows alone because all of my straight girl friends didn't want to spend their weekends at gay bars.  After a while I started befriending queens and other fans of drag...the rest is history.

3. How did you come up with your drag name? 

There is no epic story around this but basically my cousin called herself Gabby Doom so I started calling myself Ali Doom.  The whole "Notorious" thing is pretty self explanatory.  So, that was that: Notorious Ali Doom.

4. Where does your inspiration come from? 

I get my inspiration from anywhere and everywhere.  When I was younger my mother would talk about the shows in Vegas where the showgirls were all done up in huge headdresses and rhinestones.  She would tell me they were so beautiful that you would barely notice that they were topless.  That's where most of the curiosity came from.  In the beginning of my performance career it was all about burlesque and showgirls, etc.  I also drew a lot of inspiration from my favorite drag queen, Raven, because she is seriously a chameleon she can do glam, comedy, dark glam, club kid, camp, etc.  I wish I could be as versatile as she is.  Now, I'm surrounded by so many creative individuals so I draw my inspiration from my drag family and my fellow performer friends.

5. What would you say is the most unique thing you have to offer? 

"A nice round butt and a pair of DD's" LOL in a nut shell.  I think I provide a lot of inspiration for women who don't feel confidant because they don't fit into society's mold of what is considered beautiful.  I'm a big woman and I exude confidence.  That's what I want people to take away from my performances.  I want them to be turned on and tantalized, of course, but I also want them to see that all bodies are beautiful.  I'm 202lbs, and I love my body, imperfections and all. 

6. What is your most embarrassing moment? 

RECENTLY, I was performing at D'Vil Dance Haus at Ripples in Long Beach and my wig flew off while I was performing.  I might have drank too much, I didn't glue her down and I obviously didn't pin her well enough.  That's the T.  You'd think it would be the time that one of my nipple pasties flew off, but no, if you're lucky enough to see one of my nipples consider yourself blessed.

7. How did you start the Doom family? Who is in the Doom family?

Frankie claimed me!  Not many people know this but the first time Frankie did drag she dressed up as me!  I knew I wanted a drag daughter and I had posted that on social media and Frankie basically shut that down and was very "Uh, no, I'm your daughter the search is over!" LOL  The Doom family isn't just drag performers though.  Lady Forbidden and Fasique are drag queens that are my sisters so they are a part of it.  Forbidden is very in your face, fetish, stripper, badass drag and Fasique is just fucking gorgeous I fucking hate her.  LOL  There's Krustyna Clown, who is a scary sex clown, Logan Doom who is a drag king,  Vivian Hart-Doom who is a modelesque, bearded queen, Matt our cute gogo boy and my henchmen Jacob and Edgar who basically just are my handsome escorts who I bribe with booze.  We're a good time.

8.  How long have you been apart of The Garter Lounge? When did you first start working at Whore  Haus? 

Garter Lounge will be two years old this July (2017) so I am patting myself on the back big time for that one. Whore Haus was my first gig with drag queens.  St. Peter D'Vil befriended me and added me to her group of alternative drag misfits.  That's also how I met Lady Forbidden.  Whore Haus was at 340 at the time but we are a traveling circus and it quickly moved to Los Globos, Micky's and we are currently on the move but that's all I can share on that subject. *wink*  I co-host Whore Haus with Peter so that in itself was a huge accomplishment for me because let's be honest the only gay things that women host are usually lesbian nights but I co-host an amazing drag show with alternative drag queens and creatures of the night.  

9. As a bioqueen up and coming in the community how have you been treated? What is your advice for future bio and drag queens and kings. 

I have been treated with nothing but respect.  I hear so many horror stories about drag queens treating bioqueens like shit and that just simply hasn't happened to me.  I would like to think that my performances speak for themselves and that I am entertaining, that's how I keep getting booked.  My advice is to not give up.  At the end of the day this is your art and not everyone will like it but other people's opinions of you shouldn't validate you.  When I first started out I wasn't booked, I would just go out all done up and people would notice.  It's as simple as that.  Just find your confidence and people will be attracted to that. 

10. What is your favorite makeup brand?

Anything vegan or cruelty free!!!!  I will be honest though, it's freaking hard to be completely cruelty free.  Jeffree Star lipsticks are my absolute favorite!  My signature color is Designer Blood.  I also love Kat Von D's products they are wonderful.  I have been using her foundation and it is just amazing.  Her brushes are amazing as well.  I'm a huge fan of Tarte cosmetics too!  My go to product would have to be Kat's foundation, some Coty powder (old school drag queen makeup),  Kat's contour palette, the Anastasia Beverly Hills "Modern Renaissance" eyeshadow palette, some 301's (stacked!), and Tarte's gel liner.  I forgot to mention Melt Cosmetics!  OMG their eyeshadow stacks are so dope I love them. 

11. What is your opinion on RPDR? Has it ruined drag or made it better?RPDR changed my life, it's safe to say.  Without the show I would've never have been interested in drag.  The fans can be so cruel though and that's where I think it has hindered us.  Death threats and telling contestants to kill themselves is not how we as fans should be represented.  This is supposed to be fun, granted it's a competition and people feel very passionate about it but still, there are lines that should never be crossed and they have been.  It has made drag more mainstream and with that maybe a tad more acceptable...hell my mom watches the show!  I would like to think the positive outweighs the negative but who knows?  I'm glad drag is somewhat more socially acceptable but it's also made people get real ugly.

12. Do you think that RPDR is ready for a bioqueen? 

No, people may not agree but I don't think so.  Give us our own show!  That would be cool.  If they let us try out for the show I would gladly submit an audition tape for it but I'd rather be on a show specifically made for us...

13. If your drag persona was a superhero, what super power would you have?

Invisibility so that I could walk around nude!  LOL just tits out watching you grocery shop.  Could you imagine? 

14. If you got on RPDR, who would you play for snatch game? 

Kat Von D.  I love her and I admire her so but she is pretty easy to make fun of.  I'd pretend to call up Jeffree Star and cuss him out.  Or I would post all of my relationship drama on Twitter.  Or I would pretend to use a non vegan product and claim that it was burning my face.  The possibilities are endless!!!  I have the voice down too.  When I was thinner and had dark hair people would always say I look like her!  I obviously don't see it, lately people say I look like GAGA, I also don't see that as well.  I just look like me guys...